Or should I say relationships?
I don’t have any romance going on and I’m still currently abstinence strong but all the other areas of my relationships are currently strong as well. Not just strong, but consistent. It’s weird, I feel protected without having to be protective and it’s such a new feeling. But I’m grateful for it. So grateful.
I’m probably in the best relationship I’ve ever been in with myself. I’m still chunky but I don’t hate it. My face is pretty round but I don’t look in the mirror and feel like, you are not pretty because you’ve gained weight. Just like I don’t say to myself anymore, people won’t like you because your sense of humor is a bit off. In fact, it’s felt like the opposite. I feel I’m openly appreciative of the people in my life without feeling like they’re going to judge me or think I’m overbearing for it. There’s not that discomfort of trying to be mindful about how to act. I’ve also started listening to my own voice about what’s good for me. I’m channeling my inner Dolly Parton but in a way that’s Ariel. I’m not timid about it either.
Relationships around me feel healthy instead of toxic or questionable. I feel like they’re mutual rather than one-sided. It’s a nice change of course to pace and scenery.
I’m building work relationships. I feel challenged as I work to understand and though I feel pressured sometimes. I feel like I’m getting support about it. I’m branching out socially because of a coworker. I feel like I fit in there even though I have some learning curves.
I’m learning to be friendly and hopefully make friends. I’m even beginning to do it with females which have always been hard for me. I don’t feel like I gotta be on my “best behavior” so to speak. I feel like people are getting to know me as I get to know them. I also get to do it warmly without feel like nah, you gotta be cool. This has also been a nice change.
I’ve got the best relationship with my parents right now either. To be honest, I never thought we’d get to this stage anytime soon. But there’s a bond (at least with mum) and there are also boundaries. There’s no longer this resentment deep down nor is there this longing to be loved by them. I can even deal with the craziness. I’m also putting in some effort to make a bond without spreading myself thin. I’m really grateful for this. My mother unexpectedly showed up and is staying with me a couple of days and she cleaned my place out of judgment at 5am this morning even though she said it was okay not to. She’s been supportive of things even though she still worries in her crazy way. My dad still does his own thing but I go to see him when I can sometimes because I think he appreciates it even though he looks otherwise. After everything I’ve gone through with my parents, I don’t hold any hate for them. It has nothing to do with forgiveness or any kind of hope, it’s just like we’ll do what we can and whatever, good enough. I no longer act anxious around them. They tut the drinking but I keep trying to get them to drink with me anyways.
I’ve got some great friendships going on too. I feel really cared for. Before it felt like I had to put in a lot of effort just to feel that way. Now it feels that way without force. I’m so fucking gushy about my friends. Some of them are wonderful in a way that couldn’t be explained to someone else without feeling like I have to justify. And you know what? I don’t. I don’t care to because between the two of us, it works and that’s what matters. I’ve learned trust and love in such important ways because of the friends that I have. It’s still a really hard thing for me to understand but at the core of it, I get it now.
In terms of romance, or a relationship, I feel like the next one I get into is gonna be the most significant one. I understand what’s healthy now. I know how to be myself now and how to not cater for value. I also just don’t fucking care to impress outside of who I am because I think who I am is pretty okay. This shift in mind has been such a weird thing to discover and apply but I’m all for it.