Last Ten Days of My Twenteens

29 has been a strange age but good age. I made a promise to myself that I was going to take control of my life and self and own it however which way would come. And, for the most part, I did. I did more this age for myself than I think I have in a long time. At least consistently and not just in chunks. Not since 23, when I took a year to learn what being self-sufficient meant. I failed myself after that and then spent a few years struggling with who I was and what I was even doing. I abandoned myself as others abandoned me and was really fucked up for those few years. I became independent but still with unresolved issues and attachment problems.

I spent my 20’s with so much inconsistency. With my looks, my weight, and who I was. That’s what they’re for, right? I didn’t see that at the time. That I wasn’t making mistakes, I was just experiencing life itself even though it was through a sometimes painful route. But when you think you are a mistake and dumb, you don’t feel the worth of thriving. So you’re just confused. I never fully felt like a real person because I thought I wasn’t important enough compared to everyone else. I felt like a kid on a soap box every time I wanted to have a voice. I took whatever I could in terms of a connection because I just wanted to be valued, yet it was something I was scared of because I failed at giving to myself. I felt like a potato/turd who just really, really, reaaaaally wanted to be cool.

I’ve always been judgmental but never quite leaned into it. I didn’t use it for better judgment for myself. I didn’t think I could own my shit if I got called out. I’m learning this isn’t true. Embracing my judgmental nature has helped in a sense that I waste less time. I don’t politely tolerate things I know I shouldn’t. I’m less giving to people who aren’t worth it and have more to give to those who are. I have less trouble expressing thoughts and stand by them knowing they are valid. I can deal better with conflict without worrying about being abandoned for it. I judge from my head and less from a defensive position, if that makes sense. As I own my self-care and feel boss from it, I stand where I do and stay there. I like who I’m beginning to build myself to be because it’s the me that I’d like to be and I’m allowed to have a choice in who sits with me or not. It’s only going to get honed and better. I know this. I’ve got an attitude that I’ve wasted trying to bury its worth. Now is the time to let it out.

I felt sad that I couldn’t hold down a proper relationship and felt like who I was wasn’t girlfriend material for what was needed for a working relationship. I have a couple of friends whose significant other just adore them and I still wonder how I get that to happen for me. My inadequacy with dating and being so available to guys who could barely make an effort for me made up most of my 20s while I was navigating alone. Sure, I had boyfriends but nothing was lasting like I once was capable of. I went from only understanding long term relationships to wondering if it was even a possibility anymore. Even now, I can’t imagine being in a relationship lasting at least a year. I gave my heart away recklessly, that’s for sure, and cried a bunch of unnecessary tears for the guys I cried over. I now roll my eyes about when I recall them.

I learned to be less apologetic for my dealing with guys because I stopped making reasons and excuses for the behaviour and efforts I’ve encountered. It’s something I no longer take responsibility for. I don’t have to colour up a romance that is simply not there even if my yearning heart wanted it. I’m allowed to respond instead of just react. I’m allowed to be grossed out or not interested. I have watched grown men cry not because they had feelings, but because they were getting their shit called out and emotional from it. It was always for themselves and never for me but I’d try to cooperate thinking it was. I emotionally babysat their feelings for them while they held no accountability for their bullshit. I didn’t think of myself enough in these situation. I was too busy proving myself over so little that it didn’t occur to me to assess them for myself. Not until it was too late and I was looking back on reflecting and mending rather than from a position of choice.

I’m getting better at engaging with people, as a whole, not in fragments. Almost all of my 20s were just pieces of me left with people because I never knew how to engage fully. I’m still not sure how to get explain this aspect. I felt like I couldn’t be accepted entirely so I’d show what could be accepted, by bits. I lived like an omission rather than a lie. Though it’s definitely a work in progress, I’m trying to navigate how to share my stories with people worth telling them to rather than as a way to try and connect. I’d like it to be a conversation rather than confessions. I used to be bad at participating in conversation unless someone engaged me because I didn’t really know how to connect with people. I didn’t know how to ask questions or what really to say. It’s honestly fucking weird when I think how I lived this way for so long now that I can properly do it. It’s crazy even.

More and more, I look in the mirror and see someone who takes care of herself but she’s no longer trying to chase an ideal. For like, four years now, I’ve been chasing this ideal weight and I got to it. I haven’t maintained it. I’m on average about two pounds over but I’m okay with that. I’m not disappointed because where I am right now, I like. I know it can be better but I don’t shit on myself for not making it better. I like how I put myself together. I don’t see someone who protects herself through binge eating or does it as a punishment for her emotions anymore. I don’t intentionally set out to stay comfortably but miserably chubby anymore. I don’t want to anymore and am confident about my self-control about it. Don’t get me wrong, I still indulge but I don’t feel the shame or guilt about it I once did and certainly not to the extent I felt it. I don’t hate myself when I’m not “on track”. I’m accepting of my body more without adding “even though”. I dress with a bit more self-steeze and honestly, its pretty fucking dope. I can finally feel it, ya know?

That’s the biggest thing I’ve shed in my remaining 20s. My self-loathing and this feeling like I’m living falsely as a person. I’m not trying to love myself anymore. I do. I’ve allowed myself to look after me and protect the inner child I neglected for so long. I no longer feel shame that I’m not a perfect person and not friendly all the time. I don’t apologize for it profusely as I once have. I can wake up the next morning with carb face from eating and drinking too much and not feel genuinely disgusted with myself as a human being. I don’t think I’m completely dumb and useless on a super earnest level anymore. That thought no longer feels like a truth about myself I have to hide. I know now it’s not true and I am okay with telling myself that as often as need be until I really understand it because there are days I still don’t.

I don’t feel insecure anymore. At least not with the same sense of tragedy and doubts. There were moments where I wanted to own the confidence but felt like I should be insecure instead and that doesn’t even make sense. I wait less on the approval of others because I prefer my own of myself. I don’t dim myself down to cater to other’s insecurities as much. I can do this without questioning if I’m arrogant or not because I don’t need to move aside where I’m not overstepping or crowding, ya know? Don’t call me over if you’re just going to ask me to step aside.

I’m living a life that is my own and in my control. In comparison, it’s alright but for me, it’s becoming pretty chill. Sometimes I feel incredibly lonely with how I live it but it doesn’t feel so isolating anymore. I know I have people in my life, it just takes adjusting to not feeling like I can only fill that spot romantically. I no longer fantasize as an escape or a longing, I now dream with ambition and think of how I can get there even though I’m still in learning. I still hope for a love where I’m represented as a partner and it’s expressed and not something that’s questioned or passive. I’m not desperate to try and find it with every person that flirts with me anymore though. I present myself as a person better because I can feel like I am one now. I haven’t quite grasp how to smile and wink at the world because I’m a flirt but I’ll figure it out.

All the things I struggle with, I no longer feel hopeless about. Being unattached gets me into trouble with myself when I drink too much because I haven’t learned to properly navigate that shit. I’m accepting my level of capabilities and challenging my feelings of uselessness. I know where I stand without assuming the lower end of life. I know how stubborn I am and how hard I can work. I’m not smart or intelligent but I can be clever. I have valid things to say. I’m allowed to be funny or think I am. I’m allowed to just try and go after my visions and my goals and whatever else I want to strive for. I can be unapologetic for standing my ground against people who are trying to undermine me or belittle me. I don’t have to be polite about it. It doesn’t make me difficult to stand up for myself.

I’m reflecting on all this stuff in the last days of being 29. My 30s will be something I hoped for in my 20s and if I do it right, each decade after will be better. It will be great not because I say so, it’ll be because I’ll be living in the best way I can, in whatever direction it goes. I will be authentic about my life and hope it’ll attract the same. I still feel silly embracing this mindset but I also feel more joy for it. Like, it’s not quite there yet but I’m at each step of getting there. I get to practice saying no to the wrong people and yes to the right ones and opportunities. I get to see what’s fitting for and with me and have that instead of struggling mismatch. I get to do so much more for myself now that I’ve shed a lot of the darkness I carried with me for most of my life. I’ll be standing as a happier 30 yro rather than a tragic 20.

Short of possibly failing my driving test tomorrow and crying myself to sleep about it…. I’m ready for the next decade and chill about the remainder of my 20s.

Drunk Idle Thoughts

  • My friend suggested I make a mood board with all the people I see as boss. I’ve been building it up and looking at it for a few minutes every day. Not gonna lie, it’s been keeping the drive going.
  • I finally went back to the gym today for the first time in almost a month. I didn’t push very hard but I’m still confident in my strength. I bought preworkout so I am fucking ready for when I start this shit again. Watch me.
  • I’m on the fence about whether I’ll pass my driving test or not. I’m confident in the driving itself but I’m nervous about being dinged on the technical shit. I think I understand parking more but don’t know if I’d ever actually do it. I used to make fun of my mum for being dumb with her driving, but now I get it.
  • You ever, stopped seeing someone, and then you see their face again after a bit of time apart and you’re like… what was I thinking? They’re being friendly with you but you’re not having any of it and you just drop their jacket off and get the heck out of there as soon as you can? He was nice, but such a turd to try and date. Sorry J. It’s the truth.
  • I drank this super good pumpkin beer but it was too strong and I hadn’t eaten anything and got too drunk too soon.
  • A week ago my place was a disaster with all the shit I had to get done. Today, it’s stayed organized and I’ve gotten most of the shit done. Cus I’ma G.
  • I don’t have a TV or cable so I don’t actually know how popular it is, but Lee Daniels’ Star is fucking underrated and it keeps getting better. I love the girl group dynamic and it rings true to the gossip I studied about certain people and groups. The casting is so good. Also, Benjamin Bratt is sexy as hell. I said it.
  • Riverdale is fucking awful though. The sexy cast isn’t holding it up for me anymore.
  • I was never fully into John Mulaney but since watching this season’s Big Mouth, I get it. I don’t know why, but I just do.
  • I’m 30 in 12 days. 11 after this hour. It’s weird getting ID’d now. They either look at me like they’re impressed or apologetic like they’ve offended me. I’ll never be that person who gets flattered for getting ID’d because I think it’s obnoxious and really weird.
  • I’m really fickle. For all the light I have in my heart, I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop because usually, it does. I wouldn’t call myself a pessimist. Maybe a cynic. Probably a cynic.
  • Advanced technology makes me super uncomfortable. I want to be rich enough to have a personal driver but never a self-driving car. I like the sentiment that comes with the former.
  • I don’t like cocktails because I really don’t like hard liquor. YEAH. I’m saying it right now. I like spirits that put hair on my chest but the fuck if I can handle it. My shit handling ain’t classy enough.
  • Seriously, I love pumpkin beer, pumpkin spice, and probably even pumpkin lattes if I drank them.
  • I’m on the road of correcting mistakes from my dumbass twenteens and fuck, it feels good. I like responsibility and owning it. I’m not very good at it but I’m learning and way more mindful of it than I could even imagine.
  • Yeah, this all sounds lame or whatever but when you’ve lived your life thinking you’re this useless dumbass and really believing it, shit is huge.
  • The perks of having small tits are that they still look nice and I can go braless when I feel like it as long as the shirt works. Bralettes are also my friends.
  • I thought it was ath-lee-sure not ath-leh-sure. What the fuck, Daniel Tosh?

Potato Mentality

It’s one that I’ve had for a long time. Where you feel like you’re just this spud that’s there, you lounge, you’re not doing much, you’re just…. potato’ing. You’re pretty much useless.

The mentality showed in my efforts in life, in how I dressed, in how I behaved. At least that’s what I thought. I am a potato.

When you see yourself as a potato though, when you do try, it will look weird. Ever tried to style up a potato? I just saw a potato in cooler clothes. Trying to be assertive as a potato? Imagine a potato talking to you. Trying to flirt? It won’t work because this guy would be flirting with a potato and that’s a bit fucking weird. Trying to be cool? I’d see a potato with sunglasses on. Still weird.

Deep down, there was a part of me that had this weird glitch in me that made think I had a personality of a potato and cool people would see through that. Even though, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve been called a lot of things but rarely boring. Still, I thought I was a potato. Maybe I’m not boring but I’m useless and mostly lazy type of thing.

It’s a tragic mentality, isn’t it? Tell me about it.

It’s been harder to accept the potato mentality when I’m taking on responsibility and though It’s a new learning curve, I’m trying. I’ve become more accepting of my curves as a woman and I can’t say I’m a potato if this is my truth. I start to see a person, myself, as I dress more with confidence and less of a potato just in clothing. I don’t feel quite as anxious talking to people as myself so I see less of a potato with stick arms articulating a conversation. When boys flirt and I have the choice to either wink back or if they’re gross, shut it down, I see more of a person than a potato.

Hi, I’m Ariel. I’m an actual person and not just a potato. Though I still see one when I decide to have a lazy day but that’s my choice and that potato is pretty sweet in its setting.


Growing Up Emotionally Fast

I remember when I was young, I was never rebellious, just dumb. My friends did mature things that I was pretty naive to even though I was lowkey the equivalent of a horny teenage boy with no dick to stick in things. I learned about things through hours of sleepless nights on the internet. I didn’t learn much in real life.

While some of my friends were having sex at an early age, hanging out with older guys and smoking weed on the regular; I was just around. I didn’t get caught up in any of that. There were times I made embarrassingly terrible efforts to be sexy and failed miserably. Example: I wore a thong to class in ninth grade and almost gave myself a wedgie trying to show it off out of my jeans. Still, guys wouldn’t look at me. I was never the slutty one at parties. I only made out with everyone and then probably threw up somewhere later on in the night because I wasn’t very good at drinking either. I didn’t have sex until I was sixteen and I waited on purpose because that’s what teenage rom coms taught me was an appropriate age. I remember even calling a friend about it right after the guy left and being like yeaaaah, I did it. Because sex, amirite?

Fun fact: I had sex with the guy I lost my virginity like, eight or so years later. Nothing was like I remembered. It was pretty bad. I judged pretty hard. We never did it again. As a person, he was alright to me until he got weird/gross this year. I’ll respect on not getting into because he’s a newly father now………

I didn’t have a consistent adult figure to help me through life. Not even secondary like, a relative, teacher, mentor, etc etc. I had someone I viewed as an older sister when I was a kid but she passed away when I was thirteen. I lowkey had no one. It’s been weird trying to navigate life and raising myself mentally and emotionally. Especially since I’ve always been a bit of an idiot.

While I struggled with the confusions of growing up, I grew up emotionally faster than I was prepared for. I didn’t even know this was happening because I was just a kid. Reflecting as an adult, it explains why I was such an internalized mess for so long.

I have faint memories of being in a women’s shelter and the green pajamas with strawberry shortcake. This was one of my first real memories. I experienced death of others at a young age but dysfunctionally because most of the people I knew who died were young. It happened frequently enough while growing up that I had to accept it as something that was a part of life. I was too young to grasp the emotions of it properly. I took that into adolescence as well. I mean, I got sad but I never learned any grieving skills.

No one really took me seriously because of my parents and when I was young, I didn’t understand that either. I didn’t understand why the other kids in the Vietnamese community were so tight knit and I was such an outsider. I always felt like I never fit in. My dad used to try to beat the Vietnamese into me and my mum was the reason why we were so isolated so you can imagine how confusing that was for me. Nothing in my life made sense but because I was too young to understand, I didn’t really think much about it.

But I did know I felt bad things inside me that I couldn’t understand. I felt different but I didn’t know why. I had no one to talk to so I just kept it all inside. Getting yelled at or dismissed definitely helped with the internalizing. I wrote my thoughts out only to have my mum find them and when she could understand them, I’d get yelled at. Shame game was very real in how my life played out.

Though I didn’t understand, I had to cope. I had to cope with figuring out who I was while feeling like it was wrong to be me. I’d see happiness and connection around me but I couldn’t genuinely feel it myself. I was never jealous or bitter about it; there was just always this sad feeling that I couldn’t understand. I thought it was normal to feel the alienation, I think. At the time, I couldn’t tell what was from the trauma and what was part of growing up. They just seemed to blend together.

I didn’t tell many people about what was going on with me. I just acted like everything was okay. Partly to fit in, partly because I really, really wanted to be okay. I convinced myself enough that I was okay knowing I wasn’t. And just cool. I just wanted to be cool. Still waiting on that. But it gave me an understanding that I didn’t understand myself. I experienced things that people around me didn’t. I knew my upbringing wasn’t normal. Some people kind of knew but I spoke about it like a conversation not with any feelings. It was easier to pretend that I was normal too. I could always study how to be normal online while just pretending I was in my real life. I read obsessively about those who I looked up to and pretended this one message board was full of older siblings guiding me.

My lowkey coping and forced emotional growth kept me going through some of the darkest moments of my life. It caused an earnest in me that makes me more aware of the tough parts of life. I’m resilient for it but paired with my inability to think any better of myself, it caused for many, many messed up years. It kept my dumbass from feeling sheltered or entitled though because I didn’t ever feel important enough for that “privilege”. Because I never really acted out, I’d suffer quietly with occasional outbursts. I was innately attuned to my feelings but lacked the self-awareness to control them properly.

Growing up emotionally was my unintentional survival mode. Now as an understanding adult, it takes away the intensity of the shame I felt and the defectiveness I thought I was. Being able to share everything I thought I had to hide has helped me accept who I am more as a person now that I have less that I’m supposed to hide behind. I get to connect and feel the emotions I once wondered about. Maybe not to the level that I imagined but you know, I appreciate what I can feel. It’s allowing me to know what my actual emotions are and how to control them because I’m shedding the misunderstood ones away. I can understand what are sincere ones.

At almost thirty, my emotions are beginning to grow properly. They’re growing with me and with an awareness. Talking about it brings out the uncool feeling out of me because that’s how I feel with vulnerable shit but we’ll shed that.

Late Night Musing

  • I’m feeling more in control of my life than I ever have. Then again, I also feel more like a person and less polite, more authentic.
  • I used to believe people’s words a lot more than I do now. I pay more attention to how their actions match it. I make better decisions as a result. It feels pretty groovy.
  • Since clearing out my space (a whole one day), it feels a lot lighter and I don’t feel as cluttered when I come home now. Since a while, I feel calm at home.
  • I have a dear friend who teaches me what close to unconditional love is and it’s coming from a more genuine spot for them than it has all these years I’ve known them because they’re not as closed off of a person as they used to be. I’m super appreciated of that.
  • My gratitude app has been helping rebuild my spirits to keep from feeling super shitty over trivial things by keeping grateful for even the smallest happy moments in my day-to-day life. Lame as shit and I’m totally ok with that.
  • I can’t wait to get my hair cut and probably permed. I fucking love a good perm game because I’m fundamentally lazy. I just need the time and it will happen.
  • Lately I’ve been writing posts and then just trashing them. But at least I’m writing?
  • Pumpkin beer season is upon us. It will be the best of me.
  • I can’t wait to get back to the gym and work towards getting stronger again. Probably redeem myself at the next meet.
  • Big things are a-coming. Get ready.
  • I’m also lowkey appreciative of the situation I’ve got going on. The level of respect for the other person while keeping it hella simple is pretty bomb. I haven’t had this much of a great time without having to think in a long, long time.

Accepting My Needs

I used to get anxious about my needs. If the anxiety got bad enough, I’d start acting up and being way more emotionally overbearing than either me or the receiving end of it would like. I’d start either blaming them or myself for my behavior trying to figure out who was wrong.

Turns out, as I’ve learned, it’s neither right or wrong. It’s just not seeing eye-to-eye and being okay with it. I was trying to get my needs from people who couldn’t meet them and causing myself emotional turmoil trying to make it happen. I’m finding out it’s easier to just accept that this person isn’t right for me and keep on until I meet someone who is. It’s hard to see when that person isn’t being mean or a dickhead; they just aren’t fitting for me and that’s okay. I don’t have to make reasons to dislike them when I can just leave it at neutral. Even if they still wanted me around, if my need fuel is on empty, then it’s my choices to say next and that’s okay too.

I’m a wordy person. I like hearing words, reading words and finding brevity in them. I get joy out of hearing positive reinforcement and giving them in support or encouragement. It makes my heart warm and I used to have trouble accepting that. Maybe it’s because I thought cool people would think it was lame so I’d have to tone that part of me down to be accepted by them. I don’t know why my brain has trouble accepting that there are people out there who are just as into expressing feelings and be comfortable with that. It’s learning but it still stumbles. Maybe it’s because of a life of having to earn people’s love or at least feeling like that’s what I needed to do.

But I have needs too and I’m allowed to have them.

I’m beginning to learn this as I pay more attention to the people in my life who give me what I need and I do the same for them. We don’t internalize our care or love for one and other. We’re okay with expressing it and it’s not lame. I still have a hard time with it because I’ve spent a lot of my life feeling disgruntled about my needs because I felt having them made me difficult. It’s getting easier to accept the positive side of me more when I’m surrounding myself more with people don’t make me feel difficult and care for me without me having to frustrate it out of them. I breathe a lot easier. I get to learn that I don’t always have to be on edge wondering how they feel or where I stand with them. They let me know and they’re okay with doing that. It took me quite some time to trust this sort of thing. I’m getting there. It’s getting easier to be less controlling and feeling more in control of myself.

What’s more is these days, I’m able to meet my own needs. I’m able to provide myself the needs that I tried to earn from people. The more kind I’m becoming to myself, the more I’m able to stop trying to attach myself to the wrong people. I can say to myself that I’m enough instead of trying to be more for someone else to get them to meet my needs. I have more energy because I’m less emotionally exhausted and confused. I’m giving myself value instead of trying to prove that I’m valuable to someone else.

It’s allowing me to recognize quicker when I’m feeling empty with someone, especially when it comes to romance. This used to be my downfall and it still is, but it’s not as bad as it once was. I’m no longer reacting in ways that are sad or angry. Mind you, it’s still something I’m navigating but I’m getting better at it. I am finding myself wasting less time than I used to. When I catch myself, I am now able to walk away with most of myself intact. I know this because the choice I make don’t give me anxiety or haunt me because I know it’s the right one for me. I think it’s because I’m learning to let go with acceptance and not with buried expectations if that makes sense?

As I accept my needs, I accept the personal growth and self-improvement that comes with it. I don’t argue internally about whether or not I should have this anymore. It feels good. Real good.



D Is For Your Name & Cus You’re A Dickhead

I met D randomly one day.

I was sitting in a park after a gym session one day. I was listening to music, zoning out to my idle thoughts and smoking a cigarette*. He approached me and damn near scared the shit out of me. He apologized for startling me before he proceeded to tell me that he was on his way to play soccer with his friend but couldn’t help but notice me and he had to take the chance to say hi.

*Smoking is my secret vice. It’s been with me for so long and it’s not something I do socially which can be seen as ironic since it’s usually the opposite for people. It’s not something I tend to openly admit. I’m not so much ashamed of it, it’s just most people don’t smoke and I generally try to be polite about it. I love smoking though. One day I’ll stop and just miss it instead.

I can’t exactly remember what he looks like but I remember him being pretty cute. He was from England and spoke with a bit of an accent. It was charming. I was pretty turned on by his confidence. I was also just freshly out of communication with my ex*. That’s why I was sitting there doing what I was doing. I was idly moping. I was trying to live in a bit of a sad moment because that’s how I felt, ok? When he chatted me up, I was flattered but also hesitant. We chatted for a little while before he said he should probably meet up with his soccer friends. He asked me for my number. I gave it to him but on one condition.

*It was like the day after. It didn’t last long. We would still continue talking for about a month after this before it finally ended. 

I told him I wasn’t really interested in anything or anyone but myself at the moment and I wanted to keep it that way. I told him that while I am flattered I needed a bit of time. I asked him to respect my request of waiting at least 2-3 weeks before messaging me because of this. If he couldn’t, I’d simply ignore his message but I would really, really appreciate if he could do this for me. He said yes. I believed him. Off we went our separate ways.

He messaged me in less than the time I requested but not too quickly. I told him my sister was in town soon and that I would be unavailable to meet until after.  He was understanding about it. I gave him a date just so it didn’t seem like I was being flimsy. I didn’t hear from him for over a month after. By then though, I wasn’t interested anymore. At the risk of sounding arrogant, I was attracting all these guys who had flimsy interest and I was learning to not tolerate it. I decided that kind of effort didn’t make me feel good and instead of putting up with it, I’d just tell them no thanks and move along. When D finally hit me up, that’s how I felt about him so that’s what I said to him. He laughed at me and told me I was being too serious.

I brushed it off and didn’t think much of it. I felt like I was dealing with this kind of thing frequently enough that I had no polite thought to give anymore. How I felt mattered to me more and that was okay.

Flash forward to yesterday. I get a text from a number I didn’t recognize. When I asked who it was, a text back said, “I’m persistence”. When I didn’t care for the reply, a text said that it was D. I just said “Oh.” before I added, “I don’t think you’re persistent, just random”. He tells me I’ve been on his mind quite a bit recently and that he could use a morning cuddle buddy. I decline the offer. I told him that I was seeing someone who was sweet on me and could show it. It was half a lie. I didn’t care.

Then he told me he was getting married in a couple of days. I said that’s gross and good luck with that. I didn’t mean getting married was gross. It was gross of him to be doing this right before he puts a ring on someone else’s finger. I don’t understand how people are like this. Especially with people they don’t know. I can somewhat understand complicated stories but this is pretty simple. It’s also really dumb.

I used to be really bad at shutting this kind of stuff down. Now I acknowledge the level of dirtbagness and respond accordingly.