Random

  • I’ve always found Constance Wu to be pretentious but there was also a work about her that I respected too. Her recent sulking about FOTB renewal and her choice of words when she doubled down on excuses was a joke though. The believe women part of it is honestly why even though I see the intention of the women movement… I don’t join it. People really need to stop using their gender, sexuality, class, etc, etc as a scapegoat for their shitty behaviour.
  • I recently got surgery, and they prescribed me Percocet and T3s. I haven’t needed either. I’m not sure how this will come off but… I’ve never really been into drugs but my choice of addiction would be prescription drugs. It never materialized because I’m kind of a square with recreational drugs. That said, I never understood the addiction to painkillers (when you’re not in pain). There’s nothing appealing about mellowing out to good vibes high on drugs. It’s always seemed so boring to me. Even when I tried out the dose, I didn’t like how I felt.
  • I used to let a lot of uncomfortable behaviour slide but I’m learning that if I do that, how does it show people how I’d like to be treated? It just lets people think it’s okay to treat me in a way that’s short of respectful and that’s not chill. I’m surprised at the defense response when I say something but I’m picking up that if they get salty about it, they can honestly get gone.
  • I’ve got borderline bad 80s hair going on right now and I kind of like it. I feel like who I am on the inside and outside is matching up to what is my own personal standards. It’s taken a long ass time to get here but I’m ready to own it. In a time where organic is the rage… I like the artificial parts of me.
  • Undeclared was underrated.
  • I promised myself I was going to do good by me this year and I feel like I’m holding onto that promise. I’ve spent a lot of my life chasing after other people and hoping someone would love me and that’s all changed now. I don’t quite put myself first but I am a part of my priorities. I do what I want without doing anything I want.
  • My Amazon Prime is beginning to get out of hand and because it’s my problem I’m not exactly stopping it.
  • I’m looking forward to going back to the gym when I can. I’ll be restarting yet again. It’s gonna be a drag. I think it’ll stick this time. I’ve stopped being too sure because I’m more of a hopeful/lying asshole that way.
  • I think landing strips are weird. I think trying to keep a strip of hair so you don’t completely feel like a child is … dumb. I didn’t know getting it laser removed that way was a thing either. Why? It doesn’t even look aesthetically pleasing! Get out of here with your pubic mohawk!

But This Is Random

  • I’m writing because Kyuhyun HAS FINISHED HIS MILITARY DUTIES. Super Junior will now be in FULL FORM. I am GAME with the remaining members (on the fence about Ryeowook). I can’t wait for what they will do. I can’t wait for Kyuhyun to be a part of New Journey to the West again, maybe even Kang’s Kitchen. My heart will start all over again when BTS goes through this when Jin starts his military duties. Luckily there are only seven members and some of them are born in the same years so they can go together. I kind of hope they go all at the same time. As of now, I am ELF. I am ready. LET’S DO THIS.
  • I’m really lucky for the people in my life right now. They’ve helped me realize how cared for I am even though I’m still not great at reaching out when the end gets deep. They make struggling through some personal shit that happens easier to cope with. They’ve toughened me up a lot with being so goddamn caring and honest and it’s all I can ask for. They make me more of a crybaby but less of a sensitive bitch, naw mean?
  • SHINee is third in my heart. Or second when the other two are super tied. Key is one of my imaginary best friends who I want to gossip with and affectionately call me babe all the time. I want to be on the same team as Minho because I feel like we have the same murderous competitive passion and everyone else will just have to deal with it. I’m turned on by how competitive he can get. That level is hard to find but he’s got it all up in my grill. 
  • I randomly write down my goals every once in a while and then I find them again later. Some of the random shit I’ve wished for have or are coming true.
  • I bought cream that was designed for cow’s udderly and goddamn it works.
    I downloaded this brain game app and found out that I cannot for the life of me put shapes together. Like those, here’s four pieces, make this with them. I’ve even watched cheat videos and still go, how the fuck do you come up with that. I can figure it out with any sort of clue but on my own, forget it. I just don’t understand. Like, I think it may be borderline a handicap.
    The next phase of my glow up game is about to start. I’m not going to pretend to be shy about it. Modesty is for the meek.
    I’ve been approached twice this past week by bible people. They appear out of nowhere, approach no one else around me and drive off in a car. It’s weird? And if only. I have the right passion and attitude for it definitely but I don’t see the logic in it for me to commit wholeheartedly.
    Appreciating the little things: I brought in a couple of Pusheen plushes to work for when people have bad day. I was pretty sad this week and they told me to turn to Pusheen. It was really sweet.
    You know, I’d probably be more happy and successful if I were to dial back some of me that could be viewed as self-righteous but it wouldn’t be genuine at the end because ultimately, it wouldn’t be me. I could save myself some troubles but I’d be giving up parts of me that make up me.
    Sometimes I think about writing fanfiction because there’s already characters to work with and I know them very well. I don’t have the imagination to create new characters. It’s why I’m absolute shit at writing stories and my children’s book will never be finished.

Random

  • I miss my old Blackberry. I think the Classic was probably one of the best phones I’ve had. The keyboard was great. The camera was shit. Time has passed and I’ve moved on but occasionally I still wonder if I should go back.
  • My first real French Kiss was during truth or dare. It was in the back of the bus as we headed to a wrestling tournament. I was in 7th grade. I’d count the one before but I don’t know if it counts. It was also during truth or dare. A few friends and I used to sneak out of our places to play tag and hide & seek in the dark at this playground. I didn’t know what to do, but I just wanted to like, kiss my crush. It was awkward. It was mostly just our mouths open the whole time getting the nerves to touch tongues.
  • I really like Christmas lights. I’ve always had child-like reactions and Christmas lights have always brought glitters in my eyes from the happiness I feel inside seeing them. One of the sweetest thing someone did for me was they drove me to the rich neighbourhood and stopped at the ones with the light shows and I just… stared with my hands clasp together.
  • I’m learning that genuine happiness in my life is foreign and I can get overwhelmed by it. I’m in a spot I’m not familiar with. It’s a good spot though. A really good spot. It will only get better and sometimes that gives me this imaginary feeling of throwing up. I’m blessed that I’m surrounded by people who understand and don’t make me feel stupid for finding footing.
  • I’ve never been in a threesome and I don’t really have an interest in it. I’ve also never had a lesbian experience though it’s something I am interested in but not something I seek. To be honest, I’m not actively freaky deeky. I’m not a sexual thrill seeker. I have a couple of kinks. I tried to go on a sexual journey for several years and it was eh, mostly vanilla. I would definitely not fuck 95% of the people again. I made some poor ass choices. I own them though so it’s chill.
  • I read quite a bit on neuroplasticity. “The Brain That Changed Itself” helped me a lot when I was going through emotional turmoil. I’m reading it again for fun and it’s still just as interesting. I’m always amazed by the human body and mind.
  • I’m more embarrassed and shy about admitting that I’m looking into singing lessons than I am about admitting that I find it soothing to pluck armpit hair with tweezers.
  • I want to make enough money to eat with truffle oil whenever the fuck I want.
  • I think about this scene often because, me.

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Some Thoughts

  • Confession? I don’t understand why people use the term “People of Colour” when describing any race other than white. It’s the same people who want equality amongst people but doesn’t it, like, give power to the same people they’re trying to get justice against? Doesn’t it keep them in power to speak separate like that? Maybe it’s an unpopular opinion, but it bothers me every time I read an article that uses this term. I think we need to cut the shit out of using the term.
  • Since I can’t drink for at least three weeks, I thought after it, I would attempt to continue to keep that going until July. In that time, I will also attempt to lose 3.5kg. I use kg now because it makes me feel less depressed about trying.
  • Unpopular Opinion – Kpop Edition. I love BTS a lot. My heart belongs to them after Super Junior though some days it’s a pretty darn close call. BTS aren’t that great at variety shows though. I’m like, totally okay that they don’t take part in them more. But to give them credit though, if it wasn’t for watching them on Knowing Bros, I never would’ve gotten into what is now like, my favorite and that domino effect started my now journey into my happiness and how I learned what makes me happy. I never would’ve found Super Junior like I have if it weren’t for BTS. I’m glad I gave the Bangtan boys a chance but had it started with variety shows, foooorget it.
  • Also, I’ve watched so much Korean shows and the sorts that I overheard a Korean family talking amongst themselves and picked up on their discussion about their baby and pooping. I was super surprised.
  • If I could make a job doing something either entertaining or emotionally supportive and then being able to spend the rest of my downtime just you know, chilling out… That would be the dream. I don’t need to lead an exciting personal life. But don’t want a completely all-around boring life. There are people out there who have that and I couldn’t have that if I tried.
  • I’m really trying to be more present about connecting. Not because I’m forcing it or feel like I have to; it’s because it’s the kind of person I’d like to be. I feel happier politely bowing to people or smiling at faces and waving at dogs. I also try to call people instead of text or pick up when people call instead of avoiding it because it’s easier. I’m trying to hug more when I feel like it, touch more when I’m speaking and share my thoughts more. It’s not that it’s hard or easy. It’s different. It hasn’t been an everyday part of my life but I enjoy it so I’m keeping it going.
  • I think part of growth isn’t so much positivity, but it’s definitely about caring. If you don’t give a shit, it shows. It’s not an easy conversation to have with yourself about how much you actually give a shit about the things that are important to you. It’s easier to think you’re capable of being a good person than to actually go ahead and apply the evidence in it. This doesn’t equal perfection either. This is an important thing I’m learning because it’s been helping grow but also not have to feel like I have to participate with people who just want to eat, love and pray or live, laugh and learn.
  • Honestly, if I ever end up pregnant, I don’t know how I’m going to be able to handle it. I’m hoping there’s some knocked up brain change that helps women cope with going through it because it just seems like a lifestyle inconvenience even though I get that the ending is rewarding if you live well for it. But still. Ha, can you seem I’m not ready for motherhood? I think I’d make an alright mother but it’s making it through to be one, holy shit.
  • Some of us are good at being an edited version of ourselves. Some of us aren’t. I am not. Some of us can be packaged neatly. Some of us cannot. I can’t. I’ve tried. My friend once honestly said to me that guys can have narrow vision when it comes to the aesthetics of a girl and for me, that can work against me. It was hard to hear at the time but I got it. I get it.
  • Personally, I don’t like showing a lot of cleavage. It makes me uncomfortable. But I like my boobs looking good in clothing. There’s a difference, I think. Am I wrong?
  • I’ve had many friends who have passed away. Not just acquaintances but like, actual friends. I go through phases where I think about them a lot. Some of them it’s been over a decade and I can still clearly hear their voices. I can remember their idiosyncrasies. There are some I forget how they sounded. I’ve forgotten how it felt to hug most of them but there’s one that I will always remember. I feel comfort and get goosebumps when I can memory feel it. I always remember their faces. Some died later on in life and I don’t remember their face when they died but I remember them during the period in our lives where I knew them the most. 

Some Words Before Bed

  • I feel like I’m playing a waiting game at the moment. I’m waiting for May. It would come quicker if I had it my way because I’ve never been good with patience. A few things are happening next month… including Kyuhyun finally getting out of the military and being the last member of Super Junior to complete their duty. They debuted almost 14 years ago but once he’s out… it will be their final form. I am ready. I AM ELF. Also, it means New Journey to the West will hopefully start again.
  • Lately, I’ve been falling asleep to BTS piano covers, and it’s been helping my sleep quality.
  • I’ve always wanted business cards so I designed a super simple one and ordered some. I’d like to have a business. I just don’t know what it will be. I just have cards and I’m gonna go from there. Let’s see what happens when I get to hand them out.
  • Confession: Abstaining is getting really boring but I have no interest in pursuing for the sake of it. That said, unfortunately, I have super brief moments where you could blow air onto me and I’d let out a whimper. Don’t test it though. Chances are, I’ll probably get through this year with everything going on and declare myself a virgin on January 1st, 2020.
  • I’m going away for the long weekend and it’s something I rarely do. Update: it’s hella raining atm so I hope Anna is down for getting super drunk.
  • I can no longer drink for a few weeks, at least, after this weekend. Oh boy. This should be interesting. I also can’t drink green tea either?