I had a revelation out of nowhere (or it felt like it) today. It made sense of a situation that I had troubles with. It took away the projection and got to the root of why I was so attached. Instead of feeling the madness I was feeling… I felt clarity. I also felt sad and somewhat embarrassed by the root truth of it all. It’s not easy being honest with yourself about something that you didn’t even understand was there. But now I’ve learned something else about myself that I can work on.
I don’t feel the intensity of isolation that I once have. I’ve worked my way through that and feel like I have a grip on it now. But the extent of the loneliness I feel is something I’ve buried in me and the truth of it to myself is coming out. It’s not so much that I am uncomfortable being by myself. It has more to do with the fact of my shame that I’ve mostly been my own family my whole life. I’ve basically raised myself into who I am with no idea of what to actually do. I have a family by definition but throughout my life, there was always a disconnect and that disconnect manifested itself in really damaging ways that I’m only now recovering from. It kept me away from people and for the life of me, couldn’t relate to what seemed normal no matter how much I wish it did.
I got more of a sense of family this year but with the key family member that I have, there have been some truths I’ve had to come to terms with and it hasn’t been pretty. I also thought I found someone who understood the loneliness and the disconnect but that wasn’t true. I had to be honest with myself that maybe some of my past negativity and sadness was related to feeling like no one saw me as family and never would. Parts of that still feels true but being aware that this is my thoughts will allow me to be mindful more of it. I’ve made progress in the fact that I talked to a friend about this revelation even though it felt awful to talk about and discuss.
Part of the reason I think I buried it is because I don’t want people to feel sorry for me about it. It’s sad but I don’t want that reinforced. I suppose instead of pity, I just internalized it and let it come out in poorer form. But it makes sense. I can definitely see this as something I longed for subconsciously but never fully had and not something I knew to navigate and I think there was a part of me that didn’t want to.
This isn’t easy to talk about. It’s something I’ll need to talk about more and explore.