I don’t know why but for a while now, every couple of weeks, I think about Jane Fonda in interviews and how she’s mentioned that she’s older than the age her own father passed away (and he lived to be 77). I can’t remember what she says after that though. I can’t relate to this but it makes me think of my friends who have died. How young they were. I think about the years that have gone by since their deaths and how far along life keeps going and where they could’ve been if they were still alive. I think about a friend of mine who committed suicide and how his life could’ve been if he didn’t go through with that decision. I think about all the years that have gone by since my own attempt. How I’ve lived and the things I’ve done. It fucks me up some when I go down this thought hole. Sometimes during, I’m grateful my parents never owned guns and I’m grateful I don’t have access to any currently. I know with my impulse, I’d pull the trigger. Even now, I think I would if I were in the situation to do it.
I think the nightmares are starting to stop. I’m not suddenly waking up in the middle of the night as much anymore. I can never remember them but there’s always a panic that I feel. Sometimes it feels like I’m waking up in the alleyway again. I’m annoyed that my last job set this off because this isn’t something I want to be dealing with and it’s not even close to what happened in May but I can’t control the trauma response. I can only cope and I wasn’t doing a very good job.
I found myself on the verge of tears when a friend of mine checked up on me the other day. Instead of fighting it, I went full-on vulnerable and cried my eyes out. It felt good. I realized I haven’t been able to cry because I think of the guys that have cried in front of me this year. I have nothing against grown men crying. I don’t support toxic masculinity because I think feelings are okay. But I think about how self-involved their tears were and how dismissive they were on dealing with their emotions. They straight up bitch-moved their own feelings and didn’t know how to handle it. In hindsight, it was always a waste of my empathy because I’d get the repercussions of vulnerability like it was a bad thing. I think of that when I’m about to cry and it’d put me off to the point where I couldn’t do it.
I’m appreciative that I currently don’t have any dating or guy headaches. I understand my own emotional capacity, interest, and patience… which are usually pretty low these days. I also understand my priorities. I’m surprised that the situation I’ve got is still happening and how long it’s been. It’s mutually detached but respectful, which I think has been why it works as well as it does. It’s enough. I’ve been thinking about it because, in the past, it always felt like I was asking for more than I should but in reality that’s not the case… at all. This has been proved to me by this.
BTS. I’m pretty obsessed right now. I can’t watch their older stuff because it weirds me out at how young they are but I’m so so so intrigued by their dynamic. I’m also fascinated by Suga and think about his well-being. Please don’t ask why. I don’t have a proper answer.
2018 felt really long. Some of the shit I dealt with, some of the people. It felt like ages ago but when I reflect, I’m like oh, it was this year. I haven’t entirely decided how I feel about that.
What this decade has in store for me. What I can make of it. It’s not that I can’t believe I’m 30. I feel 30. I feel like it’s appropriate but at the same time, I’m like, damn. Already? I think it’ll pass once I deal more on my level. I’ve got some pretty big blocks right now.
I honestly have the bestest friend in the world. I can’t even begin to say how grateful I am for him. Our friendship is so genuine and real even though we’re pretty opposite. In the past, it’s caused us tension but we found a way to work with it and together and we’ve come out stronger than ever.
Do I continue with a powerlifting interest? Am I good enough? I don’t know. I wish I knew. I’m pretty harsh on myself about it when I stumble. I’m the slowest progressor because I hold myself back so much but I’m still pretty strong. I know I’ve built myself from nothing with it and my old man strength is there. I never worry about that but I do wish I invested more in my growth with it. I wish I could accept my abilities with it instead of feeling like I’m being bigheaded about it.
The dramatic rain has been harshing my mellow lately. I prefer it in the Korean dramas. Why is there always a scene with SO much rain? Keep it there though. This downpour has been a buzzkill and I refuse to step foot in it and it makes me depressed.