I’m not very good at reaching out when I’m struggling. I’m beginning to process that when I do, I have people who genuinely care. I have to take that step to let them in though. I’m grateful that I have someone who I see as family rather than a friend because this is what our relationship has grown to. Come to think, it was always there but we’re finally accepting it ourselves too. They never gave up on me when I gave up on myself. I’ve never been a burden to them even when I treated myself as one. It’s been hard to accept because I’m not used to receiving this sort of love but they believe in me so much that it makes me want to believe too. To know I have someone I can trust to hug me when I’m at super low has been pretty amazing. I’m thankful that I have people who remind me daily that I am loved and who check up on me to make sure I know this.
I’m going to attempt to not drink for a month and go from there. I’m reckless with my drinking and maybe because I’m getting older… The hangovers are terrible. It’s nice to know that when I’ve blacked out, someone’s there to put me to bed and leave post-its around my place with positive messages that I can read. When I feel overwhelmed, I walk around to read them.
I’ve gained weight and it’s pretty noticeable at the moment. It always shows in my face. I’m not going to pretend I’m not insecure about it but at the same time, I know it’s because of the tough time I’ve been having. I know this isn’t the forever state of me. It’s temporary. I can lose it. I will go back to my base eventually. I know how hard I can be on myself and people don’t care or judge it as much as I think they do in my head. I have to say out loud I get down on myself because I think I’m less attractive in this state and it could be true, but it doesn’t make me completely unattractive. It’s my lack of confidence that makes me see myself through these distorted lenses and I have to be aware of it.
I’ve been reading this memoir on and off for a few months now called Unwifeable. To read the kind of trainwreck honesty was interesting and comforting at the same time. I didn’t read the whole thing though. I skipped eventually to the last few chapters and learned a lot from it. I am taking some of what I’ve learned to put into practice and be more aware of the negative qualities that I have in common with the author such as the all or nothing attitude, how I can be a rage addict, realizing I’m a camper and my own black box that I need to look at. That and this season’s Crazy Ex-Girlfriend have been giving me clarity. Also, the last episode of Star.
I’ve grown though. From who I was at the beginning of this year is different. Sure, shit things have happened and I’m not in the best place and I’ve been a wreck… But it’s been about me. I haven’t tried to escape my problems to someone else. I’ve given myself value that can no longer be taken away because I won’t allow it. It’s been the biggest thing for me this year even as I fail. It still doesn’t feel like a whole truth but I believe it more than ever.
Though to talk about my all or nothing attitude… My situation that’s been going on had started to become less leveled. I was beginning not to get what I wanted out of it and wasn’t sure anymore where the level of interest was. Instead of firing off a text ending it, I suggested talking about it in person. Normally, in the past, I’d get myself worked up and can get dramatic. This time, I just wanted to avoid any misunderstanding and a text battle. Thankfully, he wanted the same thing and appreciated that. I got to have my say in where I was at and understand where he was. Right now, it’s not going to work keeping what was happening in the beginning. It still surprising; we’re pretty childish people but we’ve been mature about conversations even when it can be awkward because we’re different. It takes two to be willing to hear the other person out. In the end, we agreed that the situation is on definite pause. At least if the pause is permanent, there are no hard feelings because of how we handled it. We didn’t even owe each other the conversation. It could’ve been bad if we avoided it in our own way because of how super casual it was.
I’m not in the headspace to be involved with anyone, romantically or casually. I don’t really want to be. I’m realizing more and more, the search for either doesn’t matter to me anymore. Things will fall into place when it’s supposed to.
Also more and more, I’m realizing I can’t escape myself. I have to be okay with who I am. Even though it isn’t viewed as cool, I’m a lot happier. The little girl inside of me is happy to finally be able to express how gushy she can get without feeling embarrassed about it. BTS brought us back to life. So did this Korean variety show. They’ve been my ray of light.