It’s been a while since I’ve felt like myself or a functioning version of me. I’m beginning to come back alive. I also feel like I’m about to come out stronger than ever. Things seem brighter rather than just gray or bleak. My glow-up self-project is currently underway. I can feel it’s going to be successful this time. Not only that, it’s going to stick. I could be wrong but let’s have some optimism.
In an attempt to stop drinking, for now, I’ve switched to drinking diet coke. I could drink only water but that’s too depressing for me. I don’t care if it’s bad for me and might give me cancer. Everything seems to lead to cancer these days so I might as well pick the causes I’m going to enjoy. I read somewhere that it could cause even more weight gain but it would still be at a slower pace than if I drank regular coke. To be honest… I don’t really like the taste of regular coke anymore. It’s what I’ll be drinking when I go out. I was a little worried that it would be difficult but I sat at a bar that my friend was working at for a few hours on the weekend doing it and it was fine. I’ve got a couple of more outings that is really going to test me.
I’ve never been an entirely healthy person and I like having some form of vice. I’d have chosen and kept smoking if I had someone to do that with. It still bums me out that it doesn’t fit in my life anymore because I love smoking. I’ve never really been a drug enthusiast except for those couple of years in my early 20s where I did a lot of MDMA.
My point is being a completely clean living person is incredibly boring but I’m not cool enough or too dumb to have destructive vices anymore. On my solo journey, diet coke is now my vice. I thought about coffee or tea and didn’t really care for it. This is how lame and not exciting my life is right now to be writing about fucking diet coke like this.
I did deadlifts for the first time in forever and switching back to conventional is going to be interesting. I need to figure out a way to use either my knee sleeves or wraps for my squats without breaking my nails. My strength’s coming back and I think I’m about ready to get back at being consistent. I think not stressing so much about a routine or investing so much into just powerlifting is going to be good. I’m also determined to develop my hamstrings this year. I don’t know how but it’s going to happen, damnit.
I’m starting to begin on this path of figuring out who I am so I can start doing it on purpose. I feel like I’m going to get there if I stop trying so hard to be boring or cool and just be… a little fucking weird. I think it’s going to be fun. Maybe the confidence is coming from finally getting an A on this pokemon shuffle level I’ve been playing for a while.
I’m going to try to write more. Even if it’s just a vomit of words.