Kinda Chunky, Still Pretty Funky

closeup photo of primate

 

I’m starting to learn personally that the sexiest thing anyone can wear is their confidence.

About five years ago, I decided to go on a dirty bulk and gained 10lbs. Even though I knew the reason I was doing it, I was so insecure about it and with the emotional history at the time… It wasn’t the best thing to do. Since then my weight has fluctuated around there. For a long time, I felt like I failed my body and myself. Like, how could I so stupidly give up something good?

I’m an impulsive person. When my emotions are on the bad end, those impulses can be reckless. Over the years, I’ve learned to dull the urge to act on them. There are still moments where I’d like to just say fuck it and self-sabotage myself but I’m careful to remind myself it’s because punishing myself is my default. I can spiral deep into that punishment if I’m not careful. My gluttony can be pretty shameful.

I’m very slowly learning to let go of wanting to be leaner. Like, it’s not something I need to chase to feel good and if I do, it should be a positive thing. That it’s okay to accept where I am and stop trying to squeeze into a past that I can’t consistently keep. To not hate or be disgusted at myself for it. To embrace it with confidence.

It’s not easy. I think it’s not easy because my face gets rounder and my tits aren’t big. I convince myself the proportions are off. In reality, they’re not. I’ve just spent more time working against them instead of with them. There are curves. There’s a booty. I work hard at the gym. Why am I mad?

Right now I’m still chunky. I’m waiting for my eyebrows and blush lips to heal from touch ups. My hair lost length to the trim. I’m definitely not turning heads with my physical state but I’m feeling pretty fresh about myself. I’m trusting the process of things while still taking steps forward. I’m genuinely able to look at myself and be feeling it. I feel it in the way I’ve been dressing as well. I think this is what feeling secure with myself is meant to feel like and I’m all here for it.

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