Cloning really freaks me out. Advanced technology really freaks me out in general. I started reading a bunch of articles on cloning after going down a random rabbit hole and it gave me anxiety. I’m futuristic in thought but not for cloning. The only thing I can see in positive about it is for food production if that’s how they clone animals in the videos I’ve watched. This is giving me anxiety to even talk about. I’ll probably be long dead before it becomes a thing of the public, thank goodness.
Age has become a weird thing the older I get. I think now that I’m 30, it’s going to feel even stranger. I don’t mean by like, life timelines. What I mean is like, the different rate of physical age process of people I’ve known in earlier stages of my life. Not kids, or adults. I understand that. But like, the people I met or known of when I was a teen or early 20s. I guess an example is: Everyone my age when I was in middle all looked the same to me in terms of youth. Now I can see the aging difference and it’s weird. Some of us look like the adults we’d see when we were younger. Maybe this is too much to think about for a jot. I’m going to have to think about how to write this more.
I’m really starting to understand cultural differences and values in a way I never have before. I can’t quite make sense of it. It’s been a pretty recent change. I understand more and more what my parents were trying to say to me. I won’t say they were right but I get it now.
My sister turns 16 this year and that’s also strange. She’s a good kid and it makes me realize even more that I was a bit of a shit. Then it makes me realize how the hell some of my friends did the sexual shit they did even earlier! I think the innocence of youth gets taken for granted. I’m glad my sister still has hers. I think mine was taken from me, not sexually, but like, just living it. I think it’s why I ended up the way I was later on in life. I see how it’s different for her and I’m glad about that.
Sex used to be this thing I felt like I had to have. Part of it was because I thought that’s how the world worked. Another part was a sense of shame from sexual repression for what I wanted to explore or enjoyed. Another part, unfortunately, was the only way to get some people to pay better attention to me. But the world is full of awful sex. And as I’ve learned personally, sex is not everything and won’t make things work. I’ve also learned that I’m not super sexually freaky deeky and my energy is something else. I just want to find someone who’s the same kind of perv with me so we can do pervy things together. Until then, I’m okay with abstaining. The only side effect I’m feeling is I get horny at random times and then have to deal with the intensity until it dies down. AND IT GETS INTENSE.
Time perception is weird too. Like, sometimes I discover something new and realize when they or it debuted and I think about where I was at in my own life at the time and I’m like, holy shit, what? And stuff like 2008 doesn’t sound that long ago but then I realize thing like, no, it was. It’s like my perception got arrested at some point. Time in my 20s felt like a long time ago though but when I reflect I get confused sometimes because I’m like it’s only been that long?
I’m glad I never used drugs as a coping mechanism, or really even recreationally. I’m 100% sure if I did, I would not be alive right now and probably been dead long ago. Drinking was my preferred form of coping. It got confusing because I do really enjoy drinking. But it never went with the lonely empty feeling I had. At some point, I started using it as a way to fill in spots for myself and it worked. It did make me feel more interesting though I’ve realized I can be a loudmouth, drunk or sober, so either way it’s fine. I’ve talked to enough people to accept that I have a personality. Though I said personality, not charming, HA.
I officially have to renew my L again but once I get settled into the job, I’m going back for lessons and getting it ASAP. I just need to practice the shit out of parking. I’m not worried about the driving part, which is CRAZY for me to say. I’m just glad I challenged this anxiety and now think I’m better than average people at it. That’s not really saying much in this city because people are TERRIBLE drivers here.
I start a potentially life-changing job tomorrow and I feel pretty anxious about it. Like almost nauseously but for once, in a good way.