Random Confessions

I might be back.

  • Once, I ordered a vibrator off Amazon. It was my first (and only so far) time doing this. I felt awkward and shy about it. I ended up sending it as a gift option with no message… even though it was going to my address… for myself. Great gift though.
  • I need to lose weight. It’s because I enjoy tucking in my shirts, but my current weight makes the zipper look uncomfortable when I do. I just bought a few pairs of jeans to accommodate the new normal me so if it’s looking uncomfortable, it’s my stupid ass going overboard.
  • One time, I sent this dude pictures of my feet because he said he had a foot fetish. After I did, he never messaged me again. This isn’t the confession because I’ve confessed this before. The confession is that it’s been five years and counting and I still think about this at least twice a year. This will probably continue until I die. I’ve become more self-conscious about my feet than I should be because of that incident, HA.
  • One time, I drunkenly sang A Whole New World at karaoke with this guy and for that moment, it was everything. We sang our hearts out. I was on my A game. We stared into each other’s eyes as we passionately sang. We both got so into it, I’m surprised we didn’t drop the mics and kiss like the scene in The Notebook at the end. Since then, I wish for another duet like that. It hasn’t happened.
  • I never call myself talented at anything because anything I could do I don’t take seriously because it makes me feel like I’m being emptily arrogant. It’s a detriment to myself because it doesn’t allow me to grow like I probably should even though, with some things, there is a lot of potential. I try to excuse it with being shy, but I think this is basically what’s it. 
  • I’ve been delaying adding cardio into my gym workout because I don’t know how to adjust the spin bike. I don’t want to ask for help because I’m not ready to not feel dumb about it.
  • I think a fundamental basis of a functioning relationship is an agreed upon level of emotional support for each other that gets met through the individual maturity that each person can bring. Also, for me personally, a level of adoration because you know what, it feels nice to get adored. Let’s be clear though, adoration doesn’t equate to being cutesy or cheesy. I took a long time to understand this, which is why I used to always feel confused about what I wanted.
  • I really want a boyfriend but I refuse to enter a relationship or even consider anything unless someone meets the above. Otherwise it’s not worth it because it’s super important and has to be sincere. If you disagree with this, this is probably why you’re not my boyfriend, duh.
  • I really, really, reaaaaaaally dislike when people tell me they’ll “touch base” with me later. I automatically go into judgment. I think it says more about a person than it means to and I’ve been mostly right. I don’t care how effective people think it is for use. Just like I don’t care if air pods make people smell of rich. They still look dumb and the uncles and cab drivers with their blue tooths look better than air dummies. I said it. Let’s also be clear here: I’m pretty judgmental and I know it’s petty but I won’t discriminate based on my own judgments because that’s shitty.
  • Singularity by V (even though the lyrics don’t match) makes me feel certain things and makes my knees rub together and want to have sex in a way this song feels even though, in real life, I’m currently abstaining by choice because real life doesn’t bring me these feelings. This song is way too sexy for casual sex because casual sex is boring. I’m content with the sexy ass sound and oh my god, his voice when he sings it.
  • The first thing I bought when I got a credit card was two pairs of nunchuks for my friend and me because we recently watched back-to-back Bruce Lee movies and I was still hyped on it.
  • In 6th grade, a boy I had a crush on since 1st grade and eventually became my boyfriend broke up with me and along with it, my heart. I snuck out of my place and threw eggs at his window. I tried to toilet paper his place and by that, I mean, I threw a roll of toilet paper at his house and stomped off.
  • A physical attraction for me is hands. It goes hand-in-hand (ha) with something else that’s meant for another day.
  • Before I started putting in the efforts to resolve my emotional traumas and to prevent myself from getting into more of them, I thought I was going crazy. At the times when it was confusing, it felt shameful too and sometimes so overwhelming that I felt like I was suffocating. I’d have these moments where, to calm down, I had to hold my breaths and bring myself down to numbing the feelings. When I was in my teens, I thought for sure I would end up in a mental institution by the time I was 20.
  • I have trouble confessing gratitude in person these days because I get so overwhelmed by it and I start gushing the words excitedly. Once I do that, the tears gush too and they don’t stop. It’s not a bad thing; it’s just embarrassing for me.
  • Ready for something stupid sounding? Kind of like the law of attraction (though I won’t say it’s that because I don’t like the people who would get into a conversation about it because they would probably be annoying…) I think there’s something about putting sincere energy into the universe. They say energy cannot be created or destroyed so like, you might as well take what’s there, mix it with your own personal good vibes and convert it into something dope. It sounds crazy, I know, but I’ve been trying to apply this for a few months now and it’s bananas the opportunities and situations that have happened since. I used to be afraid of my sincere heart because I thought it meant I had to be a good person all the time (and I’m not) or I thought people would think I was dumb. Now neither matters and I’m just living with as good of a heart as I can and unleashing my inner cheerfulness onto the world like… what a teenage boy does after, you know. 

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