I’m In The Best Relationship Right now

Or should I say relationships?

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I don’t have any romance going on and I’m still currently abstinence strong but all the other areas of my relationships are currently strong as well. Not just strong, but consistent. It’s weird, I feel protected without having to be protective and it’s such a new feeling. But I’m grateful for it. So grateful.

I’m probably in the best relationship I’ve ever been in with myself. I’m still chunky but I don’t hate it. My face is pretty round but I don’t look in the mirror and feel like, you are not pretty because you’ve gained weight. Just like I don’t say to myself anymore, people won’t like you because your sense of humor is a bit off. In fact, it’s felt like the opposite. I feel I’m openly appreciative of the people in my life without feeling like they’re going to judge me or think I’m overbearing for it. There’s not that discomfort of trying to be mindful about how to act. I’ve also started listening to my own voice about what’s good for me. I’m channeling my inner Dolly Parton but in a way that’s Ariel. I’m not timid about it either.

Relationships around me feel healthy instead of toxic or questionable. I feel like they’re mutual rather than one-sided. It’s a nice change of course to pace and scenery.

I’m building work relationships. I feel challenged as I work to understand and though I feel pressured sometimes. I feel like I’m getting support about it. I’m branching out socially because of a coworker. I feel like I fit in there even though I have some learning curves.

I’m learning to be friendly and hopefully make friends. I’m even beginning to do it with females which have always been hard for me. I don’t feel like I gotta be on my “best behavior” so to speak. I feel like people are getting to know me as I get to know them. I also get to do it warmly without feel like nah, you gotta be cool. This has also been a  nice change.

I’ve got the best relationship with my parents right now either. To be honest, I never thought we’d get to this stage anytime soon. But there’s a bond (at least with mum) and there are also boundaries. There’s no longer this resentment deep down nor is there this longing to be loved by them. I can even deal with the craziness. I’m also putting in some effort to make a bond without spreading myself thin. I’m really grateful for this. My mother unexpectedly showed up and is staying with me a couple of days and she cleaned my place out of judgment at 5am this morning even though she said it was okay not to. She’s been supportive of things even though she still worries in her crazy way. My dad still does his own thing but I go to see him when I can sometimes because I think he appreciates it even though he looks otherwise. After everything I’ve gone through with my parents, I don’t hold any hate for them. It has nothing to do with forgiveness or any kind of hope, it’s just like we’ll do what we can and whatever, good enough. I no longer act anxious around them. They tut the drinking but I keep trying to get them to drink with me anyways.

I’ve got some great friendships going on too. I feel really cared for. Before it felt like I had to put in a lot of effort just to feel that way. Now it feels that way without force. I’m so fucking gushy about my friends. Some of them are wonderful in a way that couldn’t be explained to someone else without feeling like I have to justify. And you know what? I don’t. I don’t care to because between the two of us, it works and that’s what matters. I’ve learned trust and love in such important ways because of the friends that I have. It’s still a really hard thing for me to understand but at the core of it, I get it now.

In terms of romance, or a relationship, I feel like the next one I get into is gonna be the most significant one. I understand what’s healthy now. I know how to be myself now and how to not cater for value. I also just don’t fucking care to impress outside of who I am because I think who I am is pretty okay. This shift in mind has been such a weird thing to discover and apply but I’m all for it.

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For A Long Time

gray bridge and trees

For a long time, it felt like I was running in a hamster wheel. It felt like I was shoveling dirt into a hole in the ground but it was never getting filled up. Sometimes it felt like I was crouched in a corner, in the dark, with my palms to the side of my head.

My coping mechanisms came in the form of chasing unrequited affection. When I wasn’t doing that, I was drinking a lot and eating. I’d overlook these things like I overlooked myself. I gave them excuses because I thought I was just being a girl experiencing life.

For a long time, I felt invisible.

It was less about being shy and more of a reflection of my self-worth. It had less to do with being timid and more about being angry and defensive. For a long time, I couldn’t see it that way. I just felt crazy or defective. I wanted people to see me but I was scared to be seen because I convinced myself people wouldn’t care for what they saw so I acted accordingly to that.

For a long time, I thought the way I was living my life was what I was meant to live, even though it didn’t feel good. Even though I had moments where I’d break down crying from it. Even though I’d pray for the strength to make it through this life because man, it felt long and exhausting. I thought people dismissed me because I wasn’t worth the respect and that it was a truth. I thought I was a loser for wanting warmer feelings and it wasn’t cool to be like that.

For a long time, I took what I could get because that’s what I thought I deserved even if it meant being an option. I treated the scraps I got with more meaning than it held because hey, at least I was still getting fed. I latched onto the inconsistencies given to me because I thought there was more meaning behind it than just guys who were emotionally unaware. For a long time that’s how I lived; as an option and that I was lucky to even be that. I was scared to connect but also longing so hard for genuine affection. The push and pull with myself and how I was with others was exhausting. There were times I tried to be cool with things when I wasn’t because I wasn’t sure if how I felt was valid and didn’t want to make the wrong impression. It was a lowkey way of overlooking myself for someone who didn’t even consider me all that much.

For a long time, I suffered in silence. For a long time, I downplayed my feelings. I put a lot on myself because I was so busy chasing approval from those I felt I had to earn it from. I thought that’s how I was meant to feel validated. I thought this was normal. For a long time, I thought their lack of belief in me was a reflection of myself as a person.

For a long time, I felt stupid. I couldn’t, for the life of me, figure out how to rely on the love for myself because there wasn’t much to love, or so that’s what I thought. For a long time, I felt like an impostor. I was constantly living in anxiety that I was wrong about everything and at any moment, someone would call me out for it and I’d have to eat shit for it. For a long time, it was easier to hide this way. I was so used to the discomfort that I thought it was me and normal.

For a long time, I would be confusing to myself. I tried to be a distorted version of myself. I tried to be someone people wanted and failed so miserably at that. It came from being desperate to be accepted. To have friends. To feel like a part of something. It was always so uncomfortable. For a long time that’s how I lived, in constant discomfort. For the long time that I was trying and failing, I didn’t feel like a real person. For a long time, I’d look in the mirror and try to convince myself that I was real. For a long time, it didn’t feel true.

For a long time, every time I said to myself that I loved myself, it felt like it was a big fat lie. It felt that way because I genuinely believed there wasn’t much to love. That I had nothing to offer. For a long time, I couldn’t understand when an outside voice told me to be more kind to myself. To me, at the time, I thought I was at my limits.

For a long time, most things I did felt like I had to prove something of myself with poor results and just as poor execution. I didn’t know what I was doing and felt stupid as a result of that. Since I had nothing to show, I thought I should prove. It goes back to everything had to be earned because I wasn’t enough.

A long time doesn’t mean forever though because I’m no longer any of the above.

Quick Morning Entry

  • My Language of Love is Words of Affirmation. I know some people think this shit is silly and I think those who take it too seriously are but they can be really helpful in your relationships and not just the romantic ones. I made my best friend take the test once and his language came out as Acts of Services. Since then, I’ve been understanding him better than I have in all the years we’ve known each other. This weekend, with the money he gave me, I pulled in outfits for work and life. I got him started on a basic but dope shoe game (because I’ve learned how important this is). The feedback I’ve gotten from him in how it’s made him feel is exactly why I did it. Homeboy deserves to feel good about himself and represent that. I’ve also learned that I’m pretty good at this kind of shit so basically I’m a stylist for awkward men now if anyone is hiring.
  • Confession: I just want a nice ring on my ring finger and people can assume I’m getting married but it’s just an adult commitment ring until one of us dies and if the other person wants to do the ring thing too, we’ll elope or do City Hall thing (or is that just the states?? – I honestly don’t know). Unless they want to do the wedding thing – I’ll do it for them. I want to meet someone who’s genuinely into this and I can tell will follow through with it because most people talk shit and I don’t have time for that anymore. If you blink, you’re out because it should be mutual, not convinced. Why does it have to be a ring, you ask? Why can’t I just be happy being with the person without any materials? Because I want a nice ass ring and to show commitment visually, goddamn. Ring checks become a thing, let’s make it easier for everyone and it makes me happy. Get off my dick if you’re on it.
  • I told myself last year that I was going to get to a better spot this year and I did. Now I’m in a better spot and the momentum is getting going. I never thought I’d feel the way I do lately, with the sincerity that’s there and with the foundation that I have. Every day still blessed with more opportunities and no longer that fear of taking it.
  • I’ve decided I don’t think I’m a dress wearing person. Like, I’m a sundress and sneakers kind of gal but professionally, I like a Diane Keaton kind of look. I’m going to dive into more of that this year. I’m also making the decision to get my shit tailored to me. I feel like this will be the year for my style game and I’m pretty excited.
  • Lesson learned: Just because it fits doesn’t mean it fits. For years I wore a size 23 in jeans. But it was either I fit them, or barely fit them. Then it was just me squeezing into them. I can probably still squeeze into them but it’s not pretty. I’ve gone up a size now and it’s so much more comfortable. I mean, if I still lose the weight I’d like, it’s still going to be comfortable. It also fits my lower body better. It’s been a weird thing to accept because I thought size defined things. It doesn’t. Like, I thought because I’m short, I should buy small things. I didn’t understand proportions. I used to buy xs in underwear and now I’m sitting at mediums and I’m all for them.
  • I think it’s time to give some care to what I eat. Only a little bit though. Though I have been drinking a lot more beer than I usually do so maybe not.

Quick Mindless Morning Entry

  • I’m finally at that first step forward in having my shit together. It’s really hard to believe but it’s here.
  • I’ve been having trouble writing proper entries. It was easier when I was working through things of the past. I’d write about the present but things are going well and people generally don’t care for that and I’d just be gushing. Maybe I should? I’m also having trouble conceptualizing what I’d like to write. Right now, it’s even harder than trying to think of jokes, tbh.
  • I’m about to have what’s basically one of my dreams come true and I still can’t believe it. I can’t believe it’s going to go down within this next year. I’ve been feeling so hashtag blessed with life that my gratitude meter is off the chains right now. I’m incredibly thankful for the people in my life and how much support they’ve given me. I’ve worked super hard to get myself out of this super dark spot I was once chained to but they helped me. I wouldn’t be there without them.
  • Bruh, k, seriously, from my teenybopper heart, I fucking love TXT’s debut. Everything about this first impression of the boyband has my inner teenager wanting to draw hearts all over my binder. How does bighit do it? THIS is pop. This is wholesome goddamn boyband. The chorus is so goddamn catchy and they’re all super good dancers and it shows live as well. They are fresh pop as fuck but I don’t know, maybe I’ve seen just how much BTS grew that I think they’re going to evolve well too. One of the boys looks like a little hybrid of Ahn Jae-Hyun and Seo In-Guk! COME ON. THEY CALL JUNGKOOK HYUNG. I hope little girls fall in love with them the way I did with Backstreet Boys. K, back to my real age now.

Life Lately…

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  • I’ve been having fun this year so far. It’s been a fun kind of feeling that I haven’t had in a long, long time. It’s more flow going rather than forced feeling. It’s more experiences rather than just drinking, you know? It doesn’t feel awkward. It’s not often because I still don’t get out much but it’s enough. I dig it.
  • I really like my new job. It fits where I can play on my strength. Working at this company has been a new experience that I’m not quite used to. But it’s a good one though. My boss told me he’s surprised that I didn’t do any post-secondary education because I’ve got a bright mind. It meant a lot to me since I spent most of my life genuinely thinking I was pretty dumb.
  • I also really like my coworkers. It’s a pretty quiet office when we’re working but outside of it, they’re really fun. Some of us went to Science World recently and it was soooo much fun. We were like a bunch of kids drinking alcohol. I’m not used to making friends at work, at least ones to hang out outside of it with. To be honest, it’s not usually my thing but I dig this. I’m going with one of them to see ALI WONG. MILK AND MONEYYY!
  • I’ve been feeling pretty blue about my financial situation. I know once I get my first paycheck it will all be okay. Right now, I go through waves of depression about it that I have to ride through. It’ll be okay. I just need to wait for the evidence for the okay feeling to sink in.
  • I feel like I’m at a reset with who I am lately. Like, I’m less anxious and awkward about how I’m supposed to be around people. I’m also not feeling uncomfortable repressing the obnoxious side of me. It’s just a part of me. It’s not a bad thing. But it can be annoying and it’s not for everyone. But those who are okay with it, I have a lot of fun with. I feel like I’m back at the feeling I had when I was younger, where all I did was make out with everyone and throw up from too much enthusiastic drinking. I mean, I’m not doing that but it’s the same feeling with duh, more maturity. There wasn’t worry or any expectations. It was just being an idiot and laughing.
  • I spent years and years putting in a lot of efforts into meh execution of done up. It was kind of like being a character; one that changes every year or so. It was usually with an intention of being attractive or pretty even though I don’t think I ever did really pull it off as what I had in my head. But lately, it’s been more about what I like without the accompanied wishful hope that someone else will like it too and if that doesn’t happen, I failed. I’ve replaced “I will attempt to be a way that someone will like” to Amy Poehler’s words of “I don’t fucking care if you like it.”
  • I’ve gotten off track with my eating better but I think it’s the low-key anxiety about my feet not yet both on the ground. It won’t be forever. Just like being away from the gym won’t be forever. This is just lately.

 

Mindless Entry

  • I’m currently taking time off life to adjust to adulthood. So I haven’t been going to the gym. I’m enjoying what I did when I wasn’t working but like, more emotionally sound. I know that sound strange but it’s what I’m doing. It’s nice. I have one more day left of this and it’s back to the grind. I’m letting myself have it.
  • I recently got bangs. By recently, I mean yesterday. I don’t think it’s everyone’s taste. For me personally, I feel so much cooler to myself. It’s more of my inner style. But I feel like I’m not as attractive objectively so I’m less appealing. I’ll get over that feeling eventually.  Either way, my hair is officially almost all free of split ends and damage. And it’s been so long since I’ve been banged, I forgot what it’s like. It’s the first time I’ve been banged this year, lololol.
  • I feel like I’m about to live my 30s the way I wanted to in my 20s. It’s kind of exciting.
  • One day at a time.
  • I need to donate my old jeans soon. I don’t fit them anymore. I’m kind of sad out of habit but at the same time, I’m still okay with my chunky ass. I still have a few months or more until summer, idgaf.
  • Why is it that when I quit smoking, I feel like I see more and more people around smoking. Like, not vaping (because vaping is stupid, you look stupid, I said it) but like actual cigarettes (which should be the only way to smoke). I want to make friends with them. I want to smoke with them. But all I can do is make-believe in my head. It’s depressing; I love smoking.
  • Things will fall into place. I’m learning lessons properly now, which is still ridiculous to me.
  • I thought this mindless entry would go better than it actually is. I give up. I’m going back to my Korean drama. I have to finish it even though it wasn’t the best one and I’ve fallen out of love with my recent Korean fantasy boyfriend.

Mindless Entry

  • I’ve been having to wear a real bra again lately and it’s been extremely uncomfortable. I have to find a way around this.
  • I’m almost there with the stability. I’m almost there on the first step forward with having my shit together. It’s been a long time coming but it’s just about there.
  • I’m still chunky but not getting chunkier so that’s good.
  • I feel what seems to be a resemblance of respect at my new job and it’s something new to me. It’s a sad thing to admit, isn’t it? But to spin it positively, at least it’s a step in the right direction.
  • The first anniversary of the death of my old coworker is coming up. That came quickly. I still remember how deeply it affected me and I don’t have a proper explanation for why because I didn’t know him that well at all. What I did know of him was he seemed like an authentic person and I respected that. He also treated me like a person even though I probably came off childish to him. I’ve dealt with a lot of deaths but this one was different and I still don’t have an answer for why.
  • Unpopular Opinion: 1. I prefer Touch ID over Face ID. Having to hold your phone to your face every time? Shut up. Also, people can do crazy shit with makeup. Maybe I’m jaded by all those Celebrities You Look Like apps. Also, not a good access if you’re hiding from a murderer. Touch is better for that. COME ON. 2. I also hate anything resembling airpods. It may scream rich but you look like a rich idiot. It’s like.. crocs to me. I said it.
  • Motivated by my overachieving sister, I’ve signed up for a couple of courses. They’re simple because I’m not academically driven but I think it’s time to learn a bit at my own turtle pace. I took a Learning to Learn course years ago and never completed it but I think it’s time to try and apply what I did learn.
  • I like to learn from people who have skills I want to have. Like, the first time I met a friend of mine, I noticed how well she kept her notes and started taking mental notes on her technique and casually asked her questions about it. I started trying to do it for myself but definitely not as good as her. I’ve developed my own note-taking skills that I understand for myself as a result though. Sometimes I noticed people’s quirks that they do that is smart and try and understand that. It’s helped me be a more organized person as a result.
  • Also, in a weird way, sometimes I learn by complimenting what I respect about someone when I’m observing them. It helps it stick better.
  • Compliments are also something I’m going to try to give more this year in its sincerity. I think about the times I’ve had casual conversations with strangers and there were compliments exchanged or even just a casual compliment drop. I think of how much I smiled as I walked in my direction after. It’s a good feeling. I think there needs to be more of that.
  • I like that hands in pockets that squeeze your shoulders to your face with a smile as you stroll walk on the sidewalk, blissfully looking around at what’s around you, maybe smiling at the people or dogs you pass. You know that feeling?
  • Every week another Super Junior member is my favorite. Okay, so it like, rotates between three with background love for like, four. SUJU.
  • Is it weird realizing I don’t think I’ve been in healthy, stable romantic love in like, eight years? The closest one I can count in the time period is P but I consider that more of a caring for each other type of thing because he’s a thoughtful and sweet person by nature. I think I’d count M during our attempts throughout the years because I do think love was genuine even though we sucked at it. All the other ones were a false sense of it.

This looks like a modern one of those x years challenges… but it’s just a pair of dope sisters.

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