Some Words Before Bed

  • I feel like I’m playing a waiting game at the moment. I’m waiting for May. It would come quicker if I had it my way because I’ve never been good with patience. A few things are happening next month… including Kyuhyun finally getting out of the military and being the last member of Super Junior to complete their duty. They debuted almost 14 years ago but once he’s out… it will be their final form. I am ready. I AM ELF. Also, it means New Journey to the West will hopefully start again.
  • Lately, I’ve been falling asleep to BTS piano covers, and it’s been helping my sleep quality.
  • I’ve always wanted business cards so I designed a super simple one and ordered some. I’d like to have a business. I just don’t know what it will be. I just have cards and I’m gonna go from there. Let’s see what happens when I get to hand them out.
  • Confession: Abstaining is getting really boring but I have no interest in pursuing for the sake of it. That said, unfortunately, I have super brief moments where you could blow air onto me and I’d let out a whimper. Don’t test it though. Chances are, I’ll probably get through this year with everything going on and declare myself a virgin on January 1st, 2020.
  • I’m going away for the long weekend and it’s something I rarely do. Update: it’s hella raining atm so I hope Anna is down for getting super drunk.
  • I can no longer drink for a few weeks, at least, after this weekend. Oh boy. This should be interesting. I also can’t drink green tea either?

 

Mini Entry

Confession: I had a hard talk with my boss today who turned out to be really understanding and I cried like a little baby. I knew I had to have this talk with him if I would grow at my job. It’s taken me a long, long time to understand the meaning of vulnerability and how it works in the right hands. I’m superthankful for my environment these days and I don’t want to take it for granted. I’m trying to be honest about it so I can take the right steps to grow the value. 

I will also say this too; compared to where I was last year, this is pretty bananas. I knew I’d get here though, one way or another, because I knew I would put in the efforts and right energy to achieve it and in the end, I would have the strength to. I’m not religious but I prayed for it too. At the time, I was desperate. Prayer seems to work so whatever, fuck it.

Sometimes I get sad though. Sometimes it hits out of nowhere and those times can feel pretty awful. It’s something I’m learning to hide less. I’m learning to breathe a lot better by being more open about it. 

It’s Okay To…

This is something I’ve been learning to say to myself more, in both a proper and healthier manner. The meaning is still a struggle to figure out, but it’s not so bad. Like…

It’s okay to stay at your current dosage of antidepressants and maybe it’s not time to go back down yet. It’s okay to take your time and try it again later.”

I attempted to go down my current antidepressant dose because I thought I was ready to. I can feel the difference so maybe it’s not the right time. Maybe with a few more months of the current change, I can try it again then.

“It’s okay to embarrass yourself and dust yourself off. It’s okay to let go of thinking in an all-or-nothing mindset when it happens. You’re still shedding. It’s whatever.”

A few weeks ago, I went to a dinner party, and I got too drunk. I can be a light-switch once I go over my cut-off point. I used to shit on myself pretty badly for this because of the shame I felt from the embarrassment. Now I still feel those things but I try to understand and be more mindful. I’m teaching my mind to be aware but I’m also telling it we can be idiots.

“It’s okay to have experience with no expectations.”

I went on a blind date recently just for the experience. To be honest, after it, I think I prefer them over dating app set ups. Can we get people interested enough to bring those back? I think it’d be good. I went on the date with no expectations and came out with a good time. It’s not something I will do again soon, because I’m not in the life spot for arrangement but still, it was a lot of fun. Thank you to my co-worker for setting it up and the guy for the company. There was no spark but I hope we can be dance buddies at least because it was fun how we ended the night with that.

“It’s okay to go back to therapy even if you have none major issues going on.”

Last year I was in weekly therapy. Some sessions were intensive because of all I was dealing with. It was heavy shit. Even though last year was super awful, I think I coped with it because of the therapy I did. I learned when I didn’t realize I did. Now I’m going back because I’m in a good spot and it’s not something I’m used to, so it feels overwhelming. I don’t want to feel defeated by it thinking I can handle it. I’ve made that mistake before. I need help with the transition; you know? I have a wonderful support system, but they all have their own lives, and this is what a counselor/therapist is paid to do. It’s okay to build strength and it doesn’t have to wait until I hit a weak point.

“It’s okay to gain weight and have a new normal.”

I’ve been having trouble accepting this. Even when I tell myself it’s okay. I guess there’s somewhere in there that I have to admit maybe I think like, I’m losing chances with someone ideal or my bad flaws will only enhance because of it. I think I’ve realized this has to do with my inner judgment I don’t want to face. I don’t like when I have to check my judgment. I figured out the spin bike at the gym though.

 

National Siblings Day

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I blurred my brother’s face at his request.

Even though I now have quite a few siblings, I didn’t grow up with any of them. We’re basically a family but like only children. For a while, it was just my brother and me but even then we lived apart. Our parents’ dysfunction kept us apart. So did our own damages trying to cope. Then my first sister came around, but I wasn’t there to watch her grow up. My stepsister came after that but I couldn’t connect because I already had my actual sister and I didn’t really like her during that time. Things came together with the latest (and hopefully last) one. We became a village for her. Last summer was the first and probably only time I’ll ever get to have time with all of us together.

Our parents put us through a lot. For years, we stayed pretty separated because of it. There were years where the older ones of us hated each other. I mean, like really hated. I don’t think the family dysfunctions will ever stop, but we’ve gotten to a point where there’s peace between us. Love is too strong of a word for some of us, but care is definitely there.

Even with all my siblings, my parents still want grandkids even though they look at my brother and me with hopelessness. They’ve already beaten us to the punch during times we could have had them. With my dad, I told him he’s technically already a grandfather if we think about it. It didn’t amuse him. To my mother, I told her only if she moved in with me and becomes a grandmother which she said no to.

I don’t even know if I want kids at this point. My siblings are enough. I mean, I literally saw my sister pop out of my mum by accident. The littlest one is already a little version of me 2.0. The step is like me when I was her age, but to a more follow through extreme. I’m keeping my teenage sister on a good route by teaching her from my mistakes and somehow being an adult about it. My brother… is my brother. I take care of him how I can.

To be honest, it’s difficult for us, except maybe me and my sister. But it’s chill and more than what I could ask for at this point in my life.