In This Past Year, I’ve Learned…

  • How to do my own fake nails, eyebrows (not yet perfected), lips (happy with subtle results), perm my eyelashes (50/50 success rate so far), tape-in my own extensions (which I no longer need) and successfully wash but not wash my hair once or twice a week without it going too greasy. For someone who used to be really clueless and dumb about any of these things… It’s a feat.
  • Why a shoe game is important but at the same time, realizing I’m not a high heels type of girl. I’m more of a booty wearing type. I think because I tend to walk often, comfort is my priority. I’ve also learned I hate open or peekaboo toes. Maybe it’s because my feet aren’t nice. Maybe it’s because of the one time I sent a picture of my feet to a guy with a foot fetish and he never talked to me again.
  • How to dress more confidently. I’ve never really had a great sense of style and it’s something I’ve struggled with a lot. This is still ongoing but it’s getting better. It’s going to get a lot better because I’m starting to understand it more. Not only that, I’m getting more comfortable with my body and it shows. It’s maturing.
  • What it’s like to date someone with a kid though who I dated wasn’t a good example or experience of it. The brief experience did show me that I’m okay with it, depending on the situation. It sort of reinforced that I don’t have a biological clock because I don’t feel the urge to be a primary figure but am okay with the supportive role.
  • If I spit into a cup for an hour, I will lose 300 grams and no matter how much I pee beforehand, I will still pee myself doing heavy sumos.
  • Not to think so much with my vagina because it doesn’t get fulfilled the way a dick does and it just leads to disappointment and some fun. Based on almost all the experiences I had last year, I’m way better off (and have much more fun) with myself. It’s certainly less of a headache and I have less anxiety.
  • Speaking of anxiety, I’ve learned that sometimes I have to admit to myself that I don’t have the proper coping mechanisms for things that trigger me into the deep end of depression or anxiety and that it’s okay for assistance. It’s okay that my anti-depressant doses are pretty high right now and it’s not shameful that I can be paralyzed and genuinely unable to function when it gets bad. Maybe I’ll need them forever. Maybe I’ll just need them for a while like last time. There was a lot on my plate behind the scenes last year. It’s not something to share with every single person but I am learning to talk about it.
  • Gangnam Style wasn’t a one-off hit for me. I really like Psy’s music a lot. I didn’t know he came back a year ago but I’m happy I re-discovered him. I’ve been learning the dances. And seriously, Lee Byunghun in I Luv It? COME ON.
  • What my basic expectations for a relationship are. Like, actually. Maybe I’ll write about it soon.
  • I can be pretty embarrassing when I try to hold back my lameness to appear chill or cool. It’s pretty cringy, tbh. It’s like this default act I put on because I don’t know what to do and it’s something I need to learn to knock off. It gets even worse when I get anxious as shit about it after and get low reassurance about it.
  • I have a home that feels like mine and it can be inviting. I’ve never really had a comfortable or stable feeling of this.
  • I’m not a genius but I’m pretty good at picking things up quickly. I learned this when I finally got over my fear of driving and mostly confident about it instead. I’ve mostly forgotten what I’ve learn (ha) but I won’t be scared when I pick it up again.

To be continued.

Sick & Bleeding

This is me right now and it’s not because of depression or a hangover for once.

apartment bed carpet chair

Last time this year I had the flu. It was probably the sickest I’d been since I was sixteen. It was really bad. It also made me experience something I wasn’t prepared for, which was being that ill and having no one but me to take care of myself and comfort me. It was this strange realization of loneliness and the ability to accept it. I also had my period which the cycle went parallel with the sickness.

The highlight of that sickness was when I finally could muster up the energy to see a doctor and get a note for work. I thought he was just going to look at my throat or make me pee or take my blood or whatever but he checked me with a stethoscope on my back and chest. At first, I was hesitant because I didn’t have a bra on. I didn’t even think to put on one. Then I realized he’s a doctor and this is normal. So up my shirt went.

I ended up paying $20 for a doctor’s note. I paid money to accidentally flash a doctor.

This time around it’s all happening again with the pairing both back. Fortunately, it’s to a lesser degree than last time but it still sucks. I don’t really have the appetite to stuff my face but I’m doing it anyway because my body thinks it needs chocolate to live right now. I’m waking up in sweat and drool. I can barely stay awake throughout the day. I wish I had Nyquil because I enjoy the delusions of it when I’m sick.

I think I’m about to pass out again.

First Post of 2019

 

photo of person holding sparkler

… Brought to you by the fact that I can’t sleep. I’m now waiting for the pre-workout to kick in so I can head to the gym. Might as well be wired and do something rather than tired and restless.

I made it last night to midnight. It was a struggle. I sent out my Happy New Year burst and went to bed. I had a good ol’ fashioned sleepover at my friend’s house. I brought over my blankets and made a bed on the floor. I ate way too much food.

Things I’m going to cut back on this year:
Alcohol (and mostly drink only soju if I do)
Korean Bingeing…
Ordering SkipTheDishes…
Chocolate (because I can’t have nice things)

Things I’m going to do more:
Cardio (lololololol)
Cook at home
Invite friends over for dinner and cook for them
Practice French
Visit my family on the Island
Film my lifts and calisthenics stuff

2019 Goals:
Finally get my N… (THIS YEAR IS THE YEAR..lololol)
Do at least one set of stand up
Write at least one short story
Dress better by summer
Hit PR on at least ONE of my lifts
… Do a 15km run (lolololol)

It’s a boring list but it’s realistic and doable if I stop being a piece of shit. I’m also determined for a level of babe mode. I know it’s a shallow goal. I wanna like, feel it, you know? I think if I can achieve this, there’s no reason to be modest about it. That said, there’s no reason to think my shit don’t stink because of it either.

Let’s do this.

 

 

Last Post of 2018

You know, right now… I’m totally okay with the weight gain. In fact, I kind of like it. It’s not something I usually find myself saying. I’m definitely not down with it enough to have photos of me taken, let’s get real, but I don’t mind how I look. The chubs can stay a bit. If only my tits grew as well.

I think part of the okayness is wearing clothes that fit more comfortably. I mean, I’m okay in smaller sizes but when my weight fluctuates it doesn’t look good. So I’ve instead very recently started buying a size up so it can accommodate both ends of my weights. My shoe game got an upgrade but still no room for high heels.

2019 is going to be my glow up year. I’ve made the decision to embrace my looks to the authenticity I feel. I’ve realized I’m not really one for natural beauty on myself. I admire people who are but it’s not for me. I’m not really into reconstructing my entire face either. I’m just into what I’m able to optimize efficiently on my own. I think I like the accountability on it and maybe if I continue to lean more into that, I’ll get somewhere.

I’ve also begun to realize that if I don’t do this, I’m never going to find someone who is suited for me. If they were attracted to be, it’d be falsely. It’s like, keeping my naturally straight hair and having a guy like me for that even though I don’t like it and prefer my usual permed hair. It’s a disagreement based on something that belongs to me. If I embrace what I prefer on myself and someone likes me for that then there’s no anxiety about appearances or worry about changing myself. And vice versa. I want someone who’s true to themselves too. This mindset shifted the close look at my patience for low quality guys.

Okay, my ride is here.

Holiday Season

I totally didn’t take my not drinking seriously. I didn’t mean to. I wasn’t expecting to spend time with my family for the holidays and what better family activity than drinking? I think my dad’s pretty disapproving of it because I’ve never really drunk around him ever. He commented dryly that I can drink my wine pretty well. I think it’s not something that he’s used to and to him, it’s not very ladylike but it’s okay. I think with this recent trip, we’re starting to accept each other more even though we don’t know how to communicate. It’s still awkward but it’s not as bad as it used to be. I think his baby mama and my baby sister have a lot to do with it. It went better than I was expecting and I think it’s the first real time I’ve spent with both my brother and my dad in two decades.

I think this is the most solid family feeling I’ve felt with them since childhood. Especially when we facetime’d my mum. Her and my dad’s baby mama seem to get along and there was laughter. We’ve definitely come a long way. My baby sister is a handful but I appreciate that we’re a village for her because it takes one. I know it’s not always going to be like this but it’s nice when it does happen.

I even spoke to some of my relatives that I haven’t talked to in over a decade. Some of them I don’t remember. Also, to be honest, it’s nice to hear them say I’m looking pretty these days instead of commenting on how chubby my face looks. It’s all I heard any time I talked to them. Of course, they’re asking me about dating, marriage, guys, etc. I used to get upset about it but now I just shrug it off and say it’s not the right time. One of my aunts advised me not to marry someone too handsome to which I told her that won’t be a problem since I seem to think people with horse faces are handsome.

My face has been busted this last week because I redid my eyebrows and then did my lips. I wasn’t doing it right the first couple of times so on the third try, my lips looked like I got a shit ton of botox. Everything is beginning to properly heal now, thank goodness. It made my skin super dry though so I’ve been constantly trying to keep it moisturize and avoiding going out.

I took a bit of an L the other night by getting blacked out drunk. This is the second time it’s happened with this person. The first time caused some awkwardness but I’m hoping this time he understands I’m just an idiot when I hit that point. I didn’t mean to. I think I just get nervous about hanging out with him so I end up drinking too much and there’s a part of me that is trying to be chill and I end up being embarrassing. I did surprise myself by managing to cook blacked out. Like chopping meat and vegetables and making a meal. I don’t remember it at all. I don’t think I ate any of it. My drunk ass tried to take care of my later hungover ass and I appreciate that. Thanks, drunk me. It tasted bomb.

Tomorrow is New Years and I’m going to be spending it with family, in the form of my best friend. Three New Years ago, I rung in 2016 sobbing on his floor after he picked me up from my shitty boyfriend at the time. It was awful. I was a mess. I just cried and cried and cried. He waited outside for me for almost an hour because I couldn’t get the nerves to leave the situation I was in. Thankfully this is nowhere near the case this time around. It’s been a while since I had a good New Years so I’m looking forward to this even though it’s going to be a chill night. Hopefully, unlike last year, I’ll make it to midnight.

 

Hello, My Thirties!

I’ve been 30 for a couple of months now. To another decade, which I’ve committed to making great. I’m a late bloomer so my glow up game is only just starting and that’s not a bad thing. It’s going to happen with the audacity that I didn’t have in my 20s.

I’ve worked through a lot of issues in the past couple of years. I haven’t always stayed on track but that doesn’t mean that progress wasn’t happening. I’ve worked hard to grow as a person from who I was and where I was. I’ve been learning to ask for help from supportive people instead of hiding and telling myself I need to deal with things alone. I don’t feel foreign or as empty as I used to. I’m learning coping mechanisms that are healthy and not destructive. I don’t hate myself like I used to. I no longer have my deep-rooted penchant for douchebags because I focus on my well-being instead of chasing them for affection. I’m learning to be more authentic even though I get anxiety about being uncool. I’ve come to be more open about the anxiety and depression I go through.

I’ve learned to not be so timid yet not confrontational with my opinions. Like, I hate the term “Dirty 30s”. I don’t know where it came from but I feel like those who use it look back at high school with misplaced nostalgia. Or become moms who call wine “mommy juice”. I’ve tried for years to pretend to myself that I can get into camping so I’d have more in common with people and I’ve given that up. I think it’s some white people shit and I’m not into it. I’m pretty judgmental but I don’t force it to be everyone else’s business. My biological clock has yet to start ticking and I’m not sure if it ever will. At least not for the mere sake of reproducing.

I’d like to feel sexy in my 30s. I want to feel it with my confidence rather than as a way to chase my youth. I don’t want my youth back. I want to take care of myself enough to embrace aging and feel like I’m better than some or most of the youth. I don’t want to waste the rest of my life wishing I was young again. I think it’s so weird.

I’d like to be intentional, not incidental.

Life Lately

I’m not very good at reaching out when I’m struggling. I’m beginning to process that when I do, I have people who genuinely care. I have to take that step to let them in though. I’m grateful that I have someone who I see as family rather than a friend because this is what our relationship has grown to. Come to think, it was always there but we’re finally accepting it ourselves too. They never gave up on me when I gave up on myself. I’ve never been a burden to them even when I treated myself as one. It’s been hard to accept because I’m not used to receiving this sort of love but they believe in me so much that it makes me want to believe too. To know I have someone I can trust to hug me when I’m at super low has been pretty amazing. I’m thankful that I have people who remind me daily that I am loved and who check up on me to make sure I know this.

I’m going to attempt to not drink for a month and go from there. I’m reckless with my drinking and maybe because I’m getting older… The hangovers are terrible. It’s nice to know that when I’ve blacked out, someone’s there to put me to bed and leave post-its around my place with positive messages that I can read. When I feel overwhelmed, I walk around to read them.

I’ve gained weight and it’s pretty noticeable at the moment. It always shows in my face. I’m not going to pretend I’m not insecure about it but at the same time, I know it’s because of the tough time I’ve been having. I know this isn’t the forever state of me. It’s temporary. I can lose it. I will go back to my base eventually. I know how hard I can be on myself and people don’t care or judge it as much as I think they do in my head. I have to say out loud I get down on myself because I think I’m less attractive in this state and it could be true, but it doesn’t make me completely unattractive. It’s my lack of confidence that makes me see myself through these distorted lenses and I have to be aware of it.

I’ve been reading this memoir on and off for a few months now called Unwifeable. To read the kind of trainwreck honesty was interesting and comforting at the same time. I didn’t read the whole thing though. I skipped eventually to the last few chapters and learned a lot from it. I am taking some of what I’ve learned to put into practice and be more aware of the negative qualities that I have in common with the author such as the all or nothing attitude, how I can be a rage addict, realizing I’m a camper and my own black box that I need to look at. That and this season’s Crazy Ex-Girlfriend have been giving me clarity. Also, the last episode of Star.

I’ve grown though. From who I was at the beginning of this year is different. Sure, shit things have happened and I’m not in the best place and I’ve been a wreck… But it’s been about me. I haven’t tried to escape my problems to someone else. I’ve given myself value that can no longer be taken away because I won’t allow it. It’s been the biggest thing for me this year even as I fail. It still doesn’t feel like a whole truth but I believe it more than ever.

Though to talk about my all or nothing attitude… My situation that’s been going on had started to become less leveled. I was beginning not to get what I wanted out of it and wasn’t sure anymore where the level of interest was. Instead of firing off a text ending it, I suggested talking about it in person. Normally, in the past, I’d get myself worked up and can get dramatic. This time, I just wanted to avoid any misunderstanding and a text battle. Thankfully, he wanted the same thing and appreciated that. I got to have my say in where I was at and understand where he was. Right now, it’s not going to work keeping what was happening in the beginning. It still surprising; we’re pretty childish people but we’ve been mature about conversations even when it can be awkward because we’re different. It takes two to be willing to hear the other person out. In the end, we agreed that the situation is on definite pause. At least if the pause is permanent, there are no hard feelings because of how we handled it. We didn’t even owe each other the conversation. It could’ve been bad if we avoided it in our own way because of how super casual it was.

I’m not in the headspace to be involved with anyone, romantically or casually. I don’t really want to be. I’m realizing more and more, the search for either doesn’t matter to me anymore. Things will fall into place when it’s supposed to.

Also more and more, I’m realizing I can’t escape myself. I have to be okay with who I am. Even though it isn’t viewed as cool, I’m a lot happier. The little girl inside of me is happy to finally be able to express how gushy she can get without feeling embarrassed about it. BTS brought us back to life. So did this Korean variety show. They’ve been my ray of light.