Shit Happens

I went on a sort of date yesterday that ended in a disaster but in a funny at my expense kind of way. We met the night that I went to the strip club solo and he said something to me that I’ve thought about a few times. He said I’m the type of girl who likes to have her own kind of fun and needs someone on that level or can handle it. I think it’s true. I agreed to the hangout for that reason. I don’t think I would’ve otherwise because I probably wouldn’t have considered otherwise.

I shouldn’t have started the night at home drinking soju and singing songs to my friend on video chat with my awesome new microphone. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

I thought we were going bowling when he picked me up but we ended up going to a pub so he could eat. I wasn’t planning on drinking and was going to order a Diet Coke but since he was the only one eating and was gonna order wine, I decided I didn’t want to want to be a dink awkwardly drinking pop. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

I figured a couple of glasses too couldn’t hurt. It was interesting to get to know him because he’s been through some shit this past year too. We’re both at this stage of figuring out shit out after some rough shit. I felt him even though he was trying to be super chill about it. I wasn’t prepared for him ordering another bottle of wine and at that point, was too caught up in conversation. If I’m not careful, I end up being a disaster. My disaster drunk can be funny but it’s never cute. It’s usually pretty embarrassing and last night was no different. I ended up blacking out because I can’t have nice things. The last thing I remember was him taking away my gold microphone when I tried to show it to him. Yes, I really did bring it with me.

I woke up to a brutal fucking hangover that turned me into a piece of shit who couldn’t do anything all day. Red wine is now off my list of things I can drink. I’m getting old, I can’t handle these hangovers like this anymore. He left me a message saying he carried me in and that I take care of myself. Well, that was nice of him. I was pretty embarrassed but he was super chill about it and told me, “Relax, shit happens”. But then he told me about what happened after he carried me inside and that would explain the mess I left that I was confused about in the morning. I’m not going to recall it here because I’m still groaning at myself about it. Even then he told me to relax and that shit happens.

We’re probably not going to hang out again. He’s chill but we didn’t vibe. I appreciate that I got to know him a bit though and how he’s dealing with his rough shit.

He still can’t remember my name. He calls me Jasmine and I just go along with it.

Mindless Entry

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My microphone arrived. I’m digging it so far except for that it’s fucking loud when you turn it on or off. There’s no way to get around this so that’s kind of annoying but other than that, it’s pretty good. Let the serenading no one asked for begin!

I’m getting my squat confidence back. I used to be pretty nervous to hit depth because I’d struggle with the midpoint. I still do but not to the extent that I used to. My strength is getting back up there and hopefully, it stays there when my weight goes back down.

That’s 175lbs for a single. I managed to do three sets of this. The next step is to be able to do those sets for doubles. Eventually, I’d like to be able to go 3×3 with them. My control has gotten better. I’ve had to start from the bottom up so many times but I think this time my efforts will keep progressing forward instead of getting in my own way and regressing backward so this feeling’s pretty nice.

I’m hella procrastinating on doing cardio because it’s just so much effort and I’m lazy. I’m also the most depressing person on the treadmill and my exasperation with it is melodramatic.

I’ve been watching a lot of Korean movies in an attempt to keep a low profile and not spend money.

The ones I liked so far:

  • The Thieves
  • Cold Eyes (though, I’m not sure others will)
  • Veteran
  • The Divine Move
  • Swindlers (It’s alright, I just really like Park Sung-Woong)

I’m in the middle of New World and so far it’s pretty good.

I’ve been gaining more and more light in my life at the moment. It’s crazy to reflect that I was in such a dark spot just a couple of months ago. I’m grateful for my friends who were patient with me through it to allow me to process and get through it. I didn’t feel expected to pretend to be better and I think that level of support helped me finally get over this hump I’ve struggled with for a long, long time. I’m finally able to be vulnerable without compromising myself or my values because I know how to do it appropriately now. My anti-depressants are allowing me to process how to cope without the anxiety taking over. It was tough to let this all happen but I’m grateful because I know for certain I will never allow myself to be that wreck or get wrecked like I was or had been in the past.

I feel like I’m finally no longer just surviving. I feel like I’m about ready to thrive. It’s going to be fun.

 

Year of the Golden Pig!

And I ordered a portable gold microphone to go with it.

Welcome to FPLogistics

Not the one I ordered. That one arrives tomorrow.

Do you believe in luck? I think I’m really beginning to. I’ve been reflecting on some personal experiences and it makes sense from a luck perspective. I think it’s something you can lose if you’re not careful with it and it’s also something you can gain even through hardship. I could be wrong but I’ve decided not to fight with it this year and go along with it. Let’s see if I’m right by the end of the year.

I also think my luck is tied to my hair somehow. I’m well aware of how crazy that sounds.

I’m hoping for more people interaction this year. In the past, it was usually done through dating apps (because I hardly go out) or when I did try to go out, it was usually alone and painfully awkward. I don’t plan on dating or going out much so I don’t know how I’m going to get this done but hopefully, it happens.

Maybe my golden mic will lead to some friendships. I do plan on carrying it around with me this summer.

I’m looking forward to this year ahead. Shit’s about to sparkle.

I’m entering this year like a pig but I’m about ready to take it down a notch. I’ve been eating carefree. I’m not about to eat carefully. But I’m certainly not going back to eating carelessly. And this is why brevity is KEY.

 

Mindless Entry

I’m half an inch away from my ideal ass size but my waist has also expanded as well. At least my body is keeping it proportionate. I think I weigh slightly more than I did this time last year. I’m also more body happy this time around, Last year I was really stressed about making weight for my first powerlifting meet. Lately, I’ve just been enjoying eating and being alright with my body that comes with it. I call it my muscle building stage. I’m waiting until the weather is consistently not cold to start running outside. My body fat can wait until then to go. I also think once I start my new job I’ll calm my tits down a bit with the dip into the chips and chocolate I’ve been doing.

Speaking of the new job… I don’t think I’ve ever been this excited and confident about a new job before. I’m excited to work for my new boss and with my new coworkers. I feel like it’s the right environment for me to flourish. It’s not just mindless, you know? I think this is where I’ll find the career I’m meant for, which feels really strange to say. This is what that part of the adult life feels like. I didn’t think I’d ever recognize the possibility of this feeling. I think it’s a feeling I’ve always been scared of but maybe I’m ready for it. I also think this is the financial stability I’ve been looking for.

Jinro soju is better than the Chumrum or whatever stuff. Especially when it comes to the flavored stuff.

I feel like I’m gaining a self of myself that I’ve either lost or have found. I’m not sure which one it is. There’s the sincerity that I’ve always wanted and it’s stopped trying to equate itself to friendliness. I can’t really explain. I just know that it’s a long time goddamn coming and I’ve worked really hard to get here. It wasn’t about luck but I’m going to be lucky for it.

For the New Year, I threw away like, 85-90% of my photos. I don’t really want to hold onto a past that I don’t care for. I don’t care to keep the memory of most of it. I’d have burnt them if I could but something something city rules.

I love love love powerlifting but I’m glad I’m not as primarily invested in it anymore. I’ve been having fun with the accessory work and I think it’s been helping me lift better. This might be the year that I hit my current PRs again and with confidence and dope form. Maybe not my deadlifts. My deadlifts are garbage.

 

My Dumb Movie Thoughts: Die Hard (1988)

Die Hard (1988)

So I watched this movie for the first time yesterday. I’ll be completely honest that I didn’t know much about the movie except that people count it amongst Christmas movies and Bruce Willis stars in it. I didn’t even know the plot of it. I even forgot I knew the famous line from it until I heard it.

I’m glad I watched it now rather than sooner because I thought it was ridiculous and I’m still trying to decide if I mean that in a good way. I had a lot of fun watching it though. Maybe it’s because I was watching it simultaneously with my friend in San Diego and I enjoyed our social commentary.

Here are my thoughts:

  • Alan Rickman is in this movie! I’m so used to seeing him as older Alan that seeing a younger version of him didn’t make sense to me. He just looked weird to me. I wasn’t into it. Maybe it was the bearded set up? Why was his accent between English and questionable German?
  • LOLOLOL Carl Winslow. It took me a while to figure out who he was. I didn’t watch Family Matters growing up. I’m for the bromance that developed between him and Bruce. I was more for the bro-flirt in the end than the (SPOILER: reconciliation Bruce had with his wife). The reason behind the no-gun was unnecessarily dark. Like, just straight adult would’ve been acceptable, guys.
  • That limo driver doe. Not once did he get out of the car even when he realized what was going on. He was like armchair worried. Then, in the end, he just shows up like, what’s up, that was some shit. I looked him up during the movie. He did not age well.
  • THOSE GERMAN HENCHMEN. They were so 80s. Their hair. THAT ONE GUY AT THE END. He poorly shot at Bruce the whole movie and still made it to the end there? HOW? AND WHY YOU GONNA AVENGE IN FRONT OF LIKE A MILLION GUNS? You wildin’.
  • Lol, Bruce. You’re a cop. I just love how he got all action’d up and he’s pretty much like, cus I’m a cop, baby. How did his shirt manage to turn green? His lines are so cheesy. To be honest, I know he was the star of the movie but it’s only been a day and I totally forgot most about him. This is probably why I’m doing thoughts instead of an actual review.
  • Also, he should find that guy he was sitting next to on the plane at the beginning and beat him up. Look where his advice got Bruce. HOW DID BRUCE EVEN WALK THROUGH HALF THE MOVIE? I had a chunk of the bottom of my foot kind cut off once and I limped like a motherfucker. There’s no way. NO WAY.
  • I totally forgot the movie was set in LA because WHY IS EVERYONE TALKING LIKE A NEW YORK JEWISH PERSON? It’s on the other side of the country!
  • The wife was just uselessly added for plot structure and that’s it. Though it’s pretty cool she’s the Culkins’ aunt. And that hair doe. I would take an aerobics class from her.
  • I really thought I knew who James Shigeta was but when I looked him up, I recognized nothing that he was in. Then I also wondered why he didn’t act for seven years and chose his last movie to be The People I’ve Slept With.

This movie made me realize that I don’t watch a lot of action movies and that I don’t think I like them. I don’t think I’m into American action films. I mean, if someone suggests, I’d probably watch. I would never make the initial suggestion though. At the top of my head, the first thing that came to mind was RUSH HOUR. I love Rush Hour.

I still have no urge to try to watch Rocky, Rambo or Indiana Jones. Maybe before I die.

My ending thought: Please watch The Chaser (2008). It’s a Korean movie. Watch the whole thing and then remember it’s based on true events. I’m not writing my dumb thoughts on it because when it comes to dumb thoughts, I’m only good at complaining.

 

CLEAAAAAAN SLATE

Just in time for the New Years. I’m not really one for traditions or taking it very seriously but there’s still a part of me that believes in it. I feel more compelled to get in touch with that side. I feel like it’ll be good for me to do so.

Maybe it’s because I’m ready to switch from “Well, who is Ariel?” to “Hi, I’m Ariel”. I’m not as stuck in trying to find an answer from the past these days. I’d rather look forward to the future ahead. I think I’m ready to talk about the past presently as a reflection and a conversation rather than an issue that needs to be sorted. I’ve looked through my little black box and changed the conversation and perception I’ve had of its content and am at a point where I can bury it in peace instead of burying it to hide. I’m learning to embrace parts of me that I convinced myself was negative. I’ve stopped telling myself I don’t deserve to speak.

Maybe to actually have a clean slate I’ve also put to rest the old me that tolerated inconsistency and confusion. For the first time in six years, I have standards again. I think objectively, my standards are pretty low and reasonable. That said, the failure to meet rate is both baffling and disappointing. Which is fine. I can accept people for who they are and where they’re at, but I can also decide not to fucks with them for the same reason. I’ve stopped caring about being friendly where it’s not needed. It’s a waste of time.

I feel like I’m at a starting point of something new. On a journey instead of in recovery. I’m recognizing that at the start, things need work and aren’t perfect which is why I’m embracing where I’m at right now because I know it’s going to improve. I’m my own glow up project and I’m going to sparkle, damnit.

The seed is planted.

 

 

Kinda Chunky, Still Pretty Funky

closeup photo of primate

 

I’m starting to learn personally that the sexiest thing anyone can wear is their confidence.

About five years ago, I decided to go on a dirty bulk and gained 10lbs. Even though I knew the reason I was doing it, I was so insecure about it and with the emotional history at the time… It wasn’t the best thing to do. Since then my weight has fluctuated around there. For a long time, I felt like I failed my body and myself. Like, how could I so stupidly give up something good?

I’m an impulsive person. When my emotions are on the bad end, those impulses can be reckless. Over the years, I’ve learned to dull the urge to act on them. There are still moments where I’d like to just say fuck it and self-sabotage myself but I’m careful to remind myself it’s because punishing myself is my default. I can spiral deep into that punishment if I’m not careful. My gluttony can be pretty shameful.

I’m very slowly learning to let go of wanting to be leaner. Like, it’s not something I need to chase to feel good and if I do, it should be a positive thing. That it’s okay to accept where I am and stop trying to squeeze into a past that I can’t consistently keep. To not hate or be disgusted at myself for it. To embrace it with confidence.

It’s not easy. I think it’s not easy because my face gets rounder and my tits aren’t big. I convince myself the proportions are off. In reality, they’re not. I’ve just spent more time working against them instead of with them. There are curves. There’s a booty. I work hard at the gym. Why am I mad?

Right now I’m still chunky. I’m waiting for my eyebrows and blush lips to heal from touch ups. My hair lost length to the trim. I’m definitely not turning heads with my physical state but I’m feeling pretty fresh about myself. I’m trusting the process of things while still taking steps forward. I’m genuinely able to look at myself and be feeling it. I feel it in the way I’ve been dressing as well. I think this is what feeling secure with myself is meant to feel like and I’m all here for it.