Just in time for the New Years. I’m not really one for traditions or taking it very seriously but there’s still a part of me that believes in it. I feel more compelled to get in touch with that side. I feel like it’ll be good for me to do so.
Maybe it’s because I’m ready to switch from “Well, who is Ariel?” to “Hi, I’m Ariel”. I’m not as stuck in trying to find an answer from the past these days. I’d rather look forward to the future ahead. I think I’m ready to talk about the past presently as a reflection and a conversation rather than an issue that needs to be sorted. I’ve looked through my little black box and changed the conversation and perception I’ve had of its content and am at a point where I can bury it in peace instead of burying it to hide. I’m learning to embrace parts of me that I convinced myself was negative. I’ve stopped telling myself I don’t deserve to speak.
Maybe to actually have a clean slate I’ve also put to rest the old me that tolerated inconsistency and confusion. For the first time in six years, I have standards again. I think objectively, my standards are pretty low and reasonable. That said, the failure to meet rate is both baffling and disappointing. Which is fine. I can accept people for who they are and where they’re at, but I can also decide not to fucks with them for the same reason. I’ve stopped caring about being friendly where it’s not needed. It’s a waste of time.
I feel like I’m at a starting point of something new. On a journey instead of in recovery. I’m recognizing that at the start, things need work and aren’t perfect which is why I’m embracing where I’m at right now because I know it’s going to improve. I’m my own glow up project and I’m going to sparkle, damnit.
The seed is planted.