The Tackiness of Emotional Ignorance

Sure, it’s bliss for some people but it’s a headache for those they come in contact with. It can be uncomfortable because you’re dealing with someone who reacts off assumptions and acts in the moment without the perspective to think it further. There’s no awareness to see past themselves so there is a disconnect for them to understand their behaviour and it’s exhausting. It’s awkward because there’s no point in arguing. They are so certain they know better and with how far their heels are dug in the ground, it’d be great for trenches. You’d almost feel bad for them if they weren’t so obnoxious with their sense of righteousness.

The accountability is almost nonexistent because they are not the cause of their detriments. It’s what made them who they are and they’ll be quick to let you know this when they’re on the defence. Their self-esteem is high. They don’t understand why you don’t appreciate how patronizing they are because that’s how they’ve always treated people. Their bubble is limited to those who they don’t think are better than them. They’re so good at pretending that in the beginning, you believe their shit too.

They move quick with you. You think it’s because they like you but it’s because they are trying to impress you quick so you can’t spot their inconsistencies. Whether or not this is intentional, you’re still not even sure once you’ve walked away. They sell you a story until they don’t want to anymore. They’ll be mad at you when you don’t go along with it. Their emotions are your fault. They’re not supposed to really have them. One minute it’s a joke, the next minute it’s an annoyance.

They’ll want you around all the time when it’s convenient for them. You’ll find yourself questioning your thoughts of them because are you being a dick for how you’re feeling? There’s this weird feeling in your stomach even though you care about this person. They’ll help you out when you need it. They must be nice. It shouldn’t matter if they make you uncomfortable with how negative they speak. It shouldn’t matter if you’re feeling uncomfortable matching what they tell you matters to them and how they actually act about it. Are you being too judgmental?

The doubt grows and grows. You express how you feel but it’s pretty dismissed and overlooked. You find yourself reasoning for them more and more even though they give less and less of a shit about your feelings and getting more and more frustrated with what you’re thinking. They still do stuff for you but outside of what’s in front of them, there’s not much thought or consideration. You ask yourself if this is a bad thing or not. You know it doesn’t make you feel good though.

You feel like you’re just trying to help but you’re not sure by how much you’re getting shut down. You don’t know better than them. You question things but they act like they know more than you even though it’s stuff you actually know and have an understanding of. They’re just doing it their own way, okay?

At first they’ll act like you’re their everything but suddenly you feel like you’re being taken for granted because their moods have changed and you also start finding yourself feeling more stressed. You’re still trying until one day they get frustrated and call it quits on you.

You thought they cared about you this whole time and your feelings mattered. This thought goes away and reality sets in when you see they’re already trying to date other people and expressing interest in other people like what you had never even happened. You find yourself confused for awhile and wonder what you did wrong. They want you in their life but at their convenience and you will just have to take whatever interest you get now. It doesn’t make you feel good though.

They’ll yell at you for taking away their happiness and tell you it’s your fault. They were fine before they met you. It’s not on them. This is all you for trying to understand them and the disconnect in what they tell you and what they show.

But it’s tacky. The ignorance becomes too overwhelming for you and all you can do is walk away and hope the best for them. It won’t matter to them though.

Nothing really matters to them. They’re happy in their ignorance and you continue to be happy with your mental wellbeing and you feel it once you start to accept that. Your heart still aches but you know it’s for the best. For you. This is who you remind yourself to care for because they don’t care about you anymore.

Check Yourself Then Be Gentle With It


white heart shape on human skin


Confession: A few days ago I had this overwhelming feeling of loneliness. I felt sad and rejected. Next thing I knew I was downloading Tinder to try and solve my feelings. I wasn’t very enthusiastic about it and by the end of the night, I deleted it and felt defeated. Was I just looking for a hookup? Or validation for my insecurity? I didn’t know.

Real talk, this is the longest I’ve gone without sex since I started having it and most of the time I’ve been pretty okay with it but I have moments of intense frustration. My hymen is growing back and the most action I’ve gotten is getting face punched by a dog trying to give me kisses. In my moment of weakness, I tried to compromise and it didn’t work. Truth is, I don’t want to settle on intimacy. It sucks and it’s boring but something something, it’ll be worth it. At least that’s the conclusion I always come to when the feeling rides itself out.

In the past, when I’ve felt intense loneliness, I did try and solve it with a guy. I got the fleeting moment of affection and thought it’d solve my problem but the truth was, I always felt a bit emptier once that encounter passed. Then a few days later, my period would show up and I’d slap myself in the head and go, “Duh, makes sense” and feel like an idiot.

I’m starting to become aware I get irrationally lonely just before my period. I forgot this happened because mine has been so random since my IUD insertion in March. Once I put the sense together, the intensity of my feelings went away because I got control of it again. I got back to terms with being solo again.

I was coming off a seven-day work streak where I was wearing the wrong shoes for the job for six of them. I was exhausted, my feet hurt and my brain wasn’t functioning. So when I worked out my feelings, I spent yesterday doing some cleaning and getting drunk by myself off sake and beer. I needed a day to recharge and now I’m back on track and better than ever.

Be gentle with yourself even though you can feel dumb or sad sometimes.