The Grossness of Interest Entitlement

I’m not even really sure how I’m going to write this but I’m going to start and see where it goes.

I used to tolerate politely how guys flirted with me or showed interest in me because I took what I could and tried to work with it. Even if how they acted didn’t exactly make me feel good. Even if they weren’t even at least attentive to me in bed. I guess you could more than say that my self-esteem wasn’t great. I would do this even when I knew they didn’t like me all that much. I would start acting up and they would give me headaches. I was sadly comforted by the dysfunctions because it was a reflection upon myself.

This happened often as well when I wasn’t comfortable with my looks. If I felt like they were just interested in me for my looks and to bang me, I would feel like shit. Then when I was alone, I would eat to protect myself from that. It was weird. I never put those pieces together until recently.

My own interest was never important to me. I would try to make their interest work. I would fill in their blanks for them. I would make excuses and accept when they made them. I would rationalize for them by telling criticizing my own self and believe them when they said that I was getting too worked up because sometimes I did, but looking back, it was when their passive interest was driving my insecurities and I forced my own attachment too much to say fuck it.

Now that I understand how to put myself before someone else’s interest until I can gauge it myself… Some of the encounters I’ve had have been gross, to say the least. If I’m unsure about my interest in someone but they showed theirs with me first, I wait to gauge by how they go about it. If it’s passive, or wishy-washy, it doesn’t do it for me and I’m pretty upfront about it. I’m baffled by the reaction to it. The response I can get is like they expected me to accept this low level of show and think it was okay. They would insult me, backhand talk at me, or say some racist shit.

Sometimes there were guys who couldn’t understand why I wasn’t interested in having sex with them just because that’s what they wanted. I had one guy in my past who fiddled with me to fuck me and I totally fell for it. We sort of bumped into each other and when I mentioned that I wasn’t a fan of him for that situation, he told me that for what it was worth, he was attracted to me. There was not one apology or acknowledgment of his douchebaggery. The next words to come out of him was asking if I still lived in my old hood, with a tone that spoke of a potential hook up and that’s when I shut it down. I told him this conversation was over and I never want us to acknowledge each other’s presence ever again. I felt gross even having a conversation with him but I thought hey, it’d be a few years, people grow. Instead, I wanted to throw up in my mouth. Even after those few years, he still thought he was entitled to fuck me and thought I’d go along with it.

Gaslighting is something I’m only starting to really get an understanding of. Guys did this to me a lot and I always thought it was me. I thought I was crazy until I realize they spoke to me like I was so I thought I was, even though what I was doing was just being straight-forward and you know, mature. I’d call out misinformation they told. I’d call out when they told me something that didn’t match what they said of it before. Or question why they were lying about something. They were quick on the defensive and quick to talk to me that was to say, mind your own fucking business. Uhm, no. If you are trying to get with me, you best have yourself in check and real. I maintain my standard of honesty and integrity with myself and the best that I can with others. I’m not about to put that aside for someone who doesn’t.

It’s gross to me how someone can go so aggressively at me about my looks. It used to scare me that I attracted guys like this so I would subconsciously try to protect myself from it. Now that I can own my looks and not have their say in it, I can deflect it. Look, I don’t mind a compliment. I’ve learned to graciously accept them. I also know I’m not ugly and these days, I am confident in how I look because I like how I look to myself. But when it’s all you’re focusing on and you’re coming at me about in a manner that is the equivalent to a teenage boy finding porn and attempting to masturbate to it for the first time, it’s not chill. I’m not an object that you can persistently come at. See, that’s where I get annoyed. Most people, if you ignore their this kind of behavior, will stop. They don’t continue. But some do. If I’m lucky, they’ll resort to calling me names and telling me I’m a stupid bitch anyways and then stop.

The rate that I’m seeing this now and rejecting is crazy to me. Who do these guys think they are?

The Tackiness of Emotional Ignorance

Sure, it’s bliss for some people but it’s a headache for those they come in contact with. It can be uncomfortable because you’re dealing with someone who reacts off assumptions and acts in the moment without the perspective to think it further. There’s no awareness to see past themselves so there is a disconnect for them to understand their behaviour and it’s exhausting. It’s awkward because there’s no point in arguing. They are so certain they know better and with how far their heels are dug in the ground, it’d be great for trenches. You’d almost feel bad for them if they weren’t so obnoxious with their sense of righteousness.

The accountability is almost nonexistent because they are not the cause of their detriments. It’s what made them who they are and they’ll be quick to let you know this when they’re on the defence. Their self-esteem is high. They don’t understand why you don’t appreciate how patronizing they are because that’s how they’ve always treated people. Their bubble is limited to those who they don’t think are better than them. They’re so good at pretending that in the beginning, you believe their shit too.

They move quick with you. You think it’s because they like you but it’s because they are trying to impress you quick so you can’t spot their inconsistencies. Whether or not this is intentional, you’re still not even sure once you’ve walked away. They sell you a story until they don’t want to anymore. They’ll be mad at you when you don’t go along with it. Their emotions are your fault. They’re not supposed to really have them. One minute it’s a joke, the next minute it’s an annoyance.

They’ll want you around all the time when it’s convenient for them. You’ll find yourself questioning your thoughts of them because are you being a dick for how you’re feeling? There’s this weird feeling in your stomach even though you care about this person. They’ll help you out when you need it. They must be nice. It shouldn’t matter if they make you uncomfortable with how negative they speak. It shouldn’t matter if you’re feeling uncomfortable matching what they tell you matters to them and how they actually act about it. Are you being too judgmental?

The doubt grows and grows. You express how you feel but it’s pretty dismissed and overlooked. You find yourself reasoning for them more and more even though they give less and less of a shit about your feelings and getting more and more frustrated with what you’re thinking. They still do stuff for you but outside of what’s in front of them, there’s not much thought or consideration. You ask yourself if this is a bad thing or not. You know it doesn’t make you feel good though.

You feel like you’re just trying to help but you’re not sure by how much you’re getting shut down. You don’t know better than them. You question things but they act like they know more than you even though it’s stuff you actually know and have an understanding of. They’re just doing it their own way, okay?

At first they’ll act like you’re their everything but suddenly you feel like you’re being taken for granted because their moods have changed and you also start finding yourself feeling more stressed. You’re still trying until one day they get frustrated and call it quits on you.

You thought they cared about you this whole time and your feelings mattered. This thought goes away and reality sets in when you see they’re already trying to date other people and expressing interest in other people like what you had never even happened. You find yourself confused for awhile and wonder what you did wrong. They want you in their life but at their convenience and you will just have to take whatever interest you get now. It doesn’t make you feel good though.

They’ll yell at you for taking away their happiness and tell you it’s your fault. They were fine before they met you. It’s not on them. This is all you for trying to understand them and the disconnect in what they tell you and what they show.

But it’s tacky. The ignorance becomes too overwhelming for you and all you can do is walk away and hope the best for them. It won’t matter to them though.

Nothing really matters to them. They’re happy in their ignorance and you continue to be happy with your mental wellbeing and you feel it once you start to accept that. Your heart still aches but you know it’s for the best. For you. This is who you remind yourself to care for because they don’t care about you anymore.