Re-Aligning Myself

Confession: Lately I’ve been feeling intensely lonely.

What started as a minor feeling devolved into the root of why I feel that way. Instead of pushing it down, I kept asking questions. I didn’t like the answer and before I knew it, I was realizing how much of the truth of my loneliness I buried deep, deep down inside of me. Instead of feeling shame about it, I started a conversation with a few close friends. I’m still feeling it and I’m allowing it, but I’m also very mindful of how false it is.

I’ve been putting a lot of pressure on myself because I am seeing so many directions I want to go. I feel the passion of it all the same to them but I can’t make up my mind. I need a second to take a step back, breathe and align myself back up. Even if it means taking a night off from a task. It’s not life or death. I’m allowed to make it up. I’m fighting the guilt about choosing this.

I’m so open to opportunities that it somewhat holds me back. My head keeps turning in all sorts of directions and my attention span is overturned by the excitement of everything. When I start being flighty, I start feeling doubt from what is basically the confusion of making a choice. I want to do everything then collapse from the expectations I put on myself. It’s become easier to manage now that I’ve learned to recognize the disability I have with learning. I’m not effective enough at it to multi-task all these ambitions but I’m getting there.

I’m grateful for the friends who have been giving me the push to straighten myself out. A sloppy night resulted in a promise to do open mic together. It’s weird how standup has been something that’s idly stuck over the past few years. I thought maybe this year would just pass without it but I’ll be signing up and bombing again in a couple of weeks, this time with a friend so we bomb together. I don’t think it’s a thing I’m meant to do but in its own way, it’s been something that challenges me awkwardly. Maybe this time will be better. Actually, anything will be better than the last time I did it. I’m almost somewhat excited to see if I’m any better and surprised about it because of last time. I should be running scared but I’m not. Fuck it, let’s do this.

Aligning right now means showing up in other places while putting other stuff on hold while I figure out what’s important to balance. Shit is about to get real in the next couple of months and I’ve yet to sit down with myself and ask if I’m even ready for it. Deep down, I know I am but the mentality needs to be there too. I’m thankful I’m not in my own head about this and the conversations have been helping. I’m connecting more with my life and the people in it than ever. It takes away that void I used to try to fill otherwise and it helps me come to terms with what I need to be doing. They help me be gentle with myself instead of harsh for being foolish or indecisive and feeling all over the place. Opening up has kept me grounded even though I wasn’t quite there initially and for a while.

I think I’ve got my writing voice back again. We’ll see how true it is by how often I’ll show up. Let’s see where I am still in a couple of weeks.