Keep an open energy and your answer comes. It’s real. Get at it.
I was talking to a friend just before I started this episode. I’ve been having trouble writing properly. My words were coming out in jots. I couldn’t piece everything together to make it coherent. I was on the phone trying to figure out solutions with my friend. Even when I was trying to explain it to him it wasn’t coming out right. He understood because we’re good friends like that but for writing, it doesn’t help.
Then Miss Bruce gave it to me.
Those two panels made me realize that’s what I’d been doing. That’s what I’ve grown from. I’ve spent a long ass time learning to love myself. I’ve loved others more than I’d love myself. I took away love for myself to love someone else. I lessened myself to give someone a fake ass reality of theirs. But it’s not like that no more. And these are the words I’ve been trying to find.
I’ve been figuring out a way to express that it’s safe to say that I no longer have a penchant for douchebags. I don’t embarrass myself for someone who makes me feel embarrassed anymore. I’m firm in the attitude I have about it. I’ve become more self-orientated and it doesn’t falter like it used to. I’m also totally okay with throwing up that thanks to many of the guys I’ve dealt with this year… I’ve learned not all bitches are women.
Fake realities. That’s what I kept lessening myself for. I did this even though I wasn’t getting much. So people could feel better about themselves. I told myself I could fill in the blanks so it’d be easier. I’ve learned I shouldn’t have to do that in the first place. I look back on this shit with embarrassment and I think it’s a good thing. It means I recognize bullshit now and it means I’ll catch it in the future without getting too far into things like I used to. I don’t want people who live like this to be a part of my life.
What do I mean by this exactly? The guys who oversell and painfully under deliver and expected me to buy their bullshit. The ones who can talk a lot of shit but barely be able to take it. The ones who thought dangling affection in front of me like I was supposed to beg for it. Who expected patience from me while rushing me when they felt like it. The ones who refused to change their shitty attitudes because “that’s just the way they are”. The ones who felt entitled to fuck me while playing it cute or going straight vulgar. They’ll do anything to keep their fake ass realities so that they don’t to put in the efforts.
It’s gross and it’s lazy. I can’t believe I catered to this bullshit so many times. I wasted my time. It’s embarrassing. But it’s over. I’m not here to hype up soggy ass people anymore. Stay in your own lane and I’ll happily stay in mine.
Those two panels is the promise I’m making to myself to keep in 2019.