I know it’s tomorrow but whatever, I write when I want.
I’m a sucker for romantic gestures and I love love but I’m not into Valentine’s Day. I’m not bitter about it or hate it; I just think if that’s the only day you’re doing it properly, you’re doing it wrong. Also, last year really put me off it and I prefer to have it stay that way.
Last year, I spent Valentine’s Day with a dude I met off Tinder the day before. I just didn’t want to spend it alone and it seemed like a good idea since I thought we hit it off. I should’ve known better when I said I like getting flowers and he was pretty much like, yeah yeah, you’ll get them. As Wanda the Owl puts it:
You know, it’s funny; when you look at someone through rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags.
It would only be later that I learned that this is how I tend to view any person that I was attracted to and I wasn’t attracted to the best of people. It took a long time to learn this lesson and at the time, I didn’t even learn it after this Valentine’s Day mishap. I’m smarter now though.
He came over with two bottles of wine and roses. Receiving the roses didn’t bring the joy I wanted because he wasn’t exactly romantic about it. He also brought over a new bottle of Astroglide in a bag that was also full of condoms. It was wishful ambition from him since we only did it once that night. The lube stayed in its box because, sex tip, water-based lube ONLY. No one wants a yeast infection and that’s what glycerin does to your sex parts when it gets up in there.
Honestly, the guy was a douche. He was such a negative person and was so boohoo about the circumstances of his life. I was trying to be understanding because he lost his mother that past year and I can see how that could affect him. He felt so sorry for himself and even when I was trying to be nice about it, he was low-key making criticisms at me as a deflect. Everything that came out of his mouth was a complaint. Towards the end, I wasn’t having much of it. Shit happens, sometimes it’s really bad shit but it’s never a reason to shit on others because you’re feeling shitty. Brooding is some annoying shit and I don’t have the capacity to allow that type of negative shit. I also have a tendency to shut it down by calling out people for this bullshit and for some reason, it ends up with them in tears and feeling sorry for themselves.
This time was no different. He ended up welling up in tears and pretty much rushing out of my place, leaving behind the bag of condoms and lube. All of which I ended up throwing out since I had no use for them. I wasn’t sure how to react to what was going on so I think I just finished off the bottle of wine and went to sleep.
I haven’t had much luck with Valentine’s Day in a long ass time. This year I’m just going to do what I’ve been doing lately, which is watch a shit ton of Korean Drama and eat chocolate.
To be honest though, since I haven’t had sex or any form of it this year, I thought I’d be somewhat sexually frustrated and try to pursue something. But so far, I’m still maintaining abstinence by choice. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not celibate. It’s not for lack of trying. I just have no interest in anyone in my current line of vision and so far, I’m okay with that. It sounds stupid but in the past, it wasn’t something that was easy for me to say. Things have been falling into place by just living and trusting the process and the same applies to here as well.