Accepting My Needs

I used to get anxious about my needs. If the anxiety got bad enough, I’d start acting up and being way more emotionally overbearing than either me or the receiving end of it would like. I’d start either blaming them or myself for my behavior trying to figure out who was wrong.

Turns out, as I’ve learned, it’s neither right or wrong. It’s just not seeing eye-to-eye and being okay with it. I was trying to get my needs from people who couldn’t meet them and causing myself emotional turmoil trying to make it happen. I’m finding out it’s easier to just accept that this person isn’t right for me and keep on until I meet someone who is. It’s hard to see when that person isn’t being mean or a dickhead; they just aren’t fitting for me and that’s okay. I don’t have to make reasons to dislike them when I can just leave it at neutral. Even if they still wanted me around, if my need fuel is on empty, then it’s my choices to say next and that’s okay too.

I’m a wordy person. I like hearing words, reading words and finding brevity in them. I get joy out of hearing positive reinforcement and giving them in support or encouragement. It makes my heart warm and I used to have trouble accepting that. Maybe it’s because I thought cool people would think it was lame so I’d have to tone that part of me down to be accepted by them. I don’t know why my brain has trouble accepting that there are people out there who are just as into expressing feelings and be comfortable with that. It’s learning but it still stumbles. Maybe it’s because of a life of having to earn people’s love or at least feeling like that’s what I needed to do.

But I have needs too and I’m allowed to have them.

I’m beginning to learn this as I pay more attention to the people in my life who give me what I need and I do the same for them. We don’t internalize our care or love for one and other. We’re okay with expressing it and it’s not lame. I still have a hard time with it because I’ve spent a lot of my life feeling disgruntled about my needs because I felt having them made me difficult. It’s getting easier to accept the positive side of me more when I’m surrounding myself more with people don’t make me feel difficult and care for me without me having to frustrate it out of them. I breathe a lot easier. I get to learn that I don’t always have to be on edge wondering how they feel or where I stand with them. They let me know and they’re okay with doing that. It took me quite some time to trust this sort of thing. I’m getting there. It’s getting easier to be less controlling and feeling more in control of myself.

What’s more is these days, I’m able to meet my own needs. I’m able to provide myself the needs that I tried to earn from people. The more kind I’m becoming to myself, the more I’m able to stop trying to attach myself to the wrong people. I can say to myself that I’m enough instead of trying to be more for someone else to get them to meet my needs. I have more energy because I’m less emotionally exhausted and confused. I’m giving myself value instead of trying to prove that I’m valuable to someone else.

It’s allowing me to recognize quicker when I’m feeling empty with someone, especially when it comes to romance. This used to be my downfall and it still is, but it’s not as bad as it once was. I’m no longer reacting in ways that are sad or angry. Mind you, it’s still something I’m navigating but I’m getting better at it. I am finding myself wasting less time than I used to. When I catch myself, I am now able to walk away with most of myself intact. I know this because the choice I make don’t give me anxiety or haunt me because I know it’s the right one for me. I think it’s because I’m learning to let go with acceptance and not with buried expectations if that makes sense?

As I accept my needs, I accept the personal growth and self-improvement that comes with it. I don’t argue internally about whether or not I should have this anymore. It feels good. Real good.



The Tackiness of Emotional Ignorance

Sure, it’s bliss for some people but it’s a headache for those they come in contact with. It can be uncomfortable because you’re dealing with someone who reacts off assumptions and acts in the moment without the perspective to think it further. There’s no awareness to see past themselves so there is a disconnect for them to understand their behaviour and it’s exhausting. It’s awkward because there’s no point in arguing. They are so certain they know better and with how far their heels are dug in the ground, it’d be great for trenches. You’d almost feel bad for them if they weren’t so obnoxious with their sense of righteousness.

The accountability is almost nonexistent because they are not the cause of their detriments. It’s what made them who they are and they’ll be quick to let you know this when they’re on the defence. Their self-esteem is high. They don’t understand why you don’t appreciate how patronizing they are because that’s how they’ve always treated people. Their bubble is limited to those who they don’t think are better than them. They’re so good at pretending that in the beginning, you believe their shit too.

They move quick with you. You think it’s because they like you but it’s because they are trying to impress you quick so you can’t spot their inconsistencies. Whether or not this is intentional, you’re still not even sure once you’ve walked away. They sell you a story until they don’t want to anymore. They’ll be mad at you when you don’t go along with it. Their emotions are your fault. They’re not supposed to really have them. One minute it’s a joke, the next minute it’s an annoyance.

They’ll want you around all the time when it’s convenient for them. You’ll find yourself questioning your thoughts of them because are you being a dick for how you’re feeling? There’s this weird feeling in your stomach even though you care about this person. They’ll help you out when you need it. They must be nice. It shouldn’t matter if they make you uncomfortable with how negative they speak. It shouldn’t matter if you’re feeling uncomfortable matching what they tell you matters to them and how they actually act about it. Are you being too judgmental?

The doubt grows and grows. You express how you feel but it’s pretty dismissed and overlooked. You find yourself reasoning for them more and more even though they give less and less of a shit about your feelings and getting more and more frustrated with what you’re thinking. They still do stuff for you but outside of what’s in front of them, there’s not much thought or consideration. You ask yourself if this is a bad thing or not. You know it doesn’t make you feel good though.

You feel like you’re just trying to help but you’re not sure by how much you’re getting shut down. You don’t know better than them. You question things but they act like they know more than you even though it’s stuff you actually know and have an understanding of. They’re just doing it their own way, okay?

At first they’ll act like you’re their everything but suddenly you feel like you’re being taken for granted because their moods have changed and you also start finding yourself feeling more stressed. You’re still trying until one day they get frustrated and call it quits on you.

You thought they cared about you this whole time and your feelings mattered. This thought goes away and reality sets in when you see they’re already trying to date other people and expressing interest in other people like what you had never even happened. You find yourself confused for awhile and wonder what you did wrong. They want you in their life but at their convenience and you will just have to take whatever interest you get now. It doesn’t make you feel good though.

They’ll yell at you for taking away their happiness and tell you it’s your fault. They were fine before they met you. It’s not on them. This is all you for trying to understand them and the disconnect in what they tell you and what they show.

But it’s tacky. The ignorance becomes too overwhelming for you and all you can do is walk away and hope the best for them. It won’t matter to them though.

Nothing really matters to them. They’re happy in their ignorance and you continue to be happy with your mental wellbeing and you feel it once you start to accept that. Your heart still aches but you know it’s for the best. For you. This is who you remind yourself to care for because they don’t care about you anymore.