I used to get anxious about my needs. If the anxiety got bad enough, I’d start acting up and being way more emotionally overbearing than either me or the receiving end of it would like. I’d start either blaming them or myself for my behavior trying to figure out who was wrong.
Turns out, as I’ve learned, it’s neither right or wrong. It’s just not seeing eye-to-eye and being okay with it. I was trying to get my needs from people who couldn’t meet them and causing myself emotional turmoil trying to make it happen. I’m finding out it’s easier to just accept that this person isn’t right for me and keep on until I meet someone who is. It’s hard to see when that person isn’t being mean or a dickhead; they just aren’t fitting for me and that’s okay. I don’t have to make reasons to dislike them when I can just leave it at neutral. Even if they still wanted me around, if my need fuel is on empty, then it’s my choices to say next and that’s okay too.
I’m a wordy person. I like hearing words, reading words and finding brevity in them. I get joy out of hearing positive reinforcement and giving them in support or encouragement. It makes my heart warm and I used to have trouble accepting that. Maybe it’s because I thought cool people would think it was lame so I’d have to tone that part of me down to be accepted by them. I don’t know why my brain has trouble accepting that there are people out there who are just as into expressing feelings and be comfortable with that. It’s learning but it still stumbles. Maybe it’s because of a life of having to earn people’s love or at least feeling like that’s what I needed to do.
But I have needs too and I’m allowed to have them.
I’m beginning to learn this as I pay more attention to the people in my life who give me what I need and I do the same for them. We don’t internalize our care or love for one and other. We’re okay with expressing it and it’s not lame. I still have a hard time with it because I’ve spent a lot of my life feeling disgruntled about my needs because I felt having them made me difficult. It’s getting easier to accept the positive side of me more when I’m surrounding myself more with people don’t make me feel difficult and care for me without me having to frustrate it out of them. I breathe a lot easier. I get to learn that I don’t always have to be on edge wondering how they feel or where I stand with them. They let me know and they’re okay with doing that. It took me quite some time to trust this sort of thing. I’m getting there. It’s getting easier to be less controlling and feeling more in control of myself.
What’s more is these days, I’m able to meet my own needs. I’m able to provide myself the needs that I tried to earn from people. The more kind I’m becoming to myself, the more I’m able to stop trying to attach myself to the wrong people. I can say to myself that I’m enough instead of trying to be more for someone else to get them to meet my needs. I have more energy because I’m less emotionally exhausted and confused. I’m giving myself value instead of trying to prove that I’m valuable to someone else.
It’s allowing me to recognize quicker when I’m feeling empty with someone, especially when it comes to romance. This used to be my downfall and it still is, but it’s not as bad as it once was. I’m no longer reacting in ways that are sad or angry. Mind you, it’s still something I’m navigating but I’m getting better at it. I am finding myself wasting less time than I used to. When I catch myself, I am now able to walk away with most of myself intact. I know this because the choice I make don’t give me anxiety or haunt me because I know it’s the right one for me. I think it’s because I’m learning to let go with acceptance and not with buried expectations if that makes sense?
As I accept my needs, I accept the personal growth and self-improvement that comes with it. I don’t argue internally about whether or not I should have this anymore. It feels good. Real good.