I don’t like using the word trigger. Maybe I don’t like it because I don’t tend to like having conversations with people who use it. There’s a preciousness that is usually associated with it that I have an aversion to. I can sure as hell be sensitive. At my lows, I can be delicate but there’s nothing precious about any of the traumas I went through nor should there be. I’ve always felt like it was like an entitlement for what one’s been through and unfortunate or not, the world owes you nothing for it. There’s nothing precious about triggers.
But trigger is the right word to use for some of the shit I’ve been feeling and experiencing lately. I’m all about brevity and the definition fits. I mean, in a way, I could use the word “activate” but that shit sounds science-y and to me, too robotic. I’m low on the emotional capacity but I still have feelings. I still understand feelings.
I also have integrity, which is something I’ve turned my back on in the past, just to be loved, or liked, or accepted. I’d bury my own judgment and feelings, especially when I got myself in too far of a situation. In the past, it felt like well, I already made the choice, I can’t go back now. Even when turning my back gave me anxiety and occasionally, nightmares. This is something I can barely talk to anyone about. Maybe it’s because I’ve only recently realized my body remembers better than my mind even if the situation that set it off isn’t the same. I recognize when I’ve felt this way. I’m only getting better at it.
Right now I’m accepting I can’t be in situations that bring me back to a dark place that I haven’t learned to cope with. It’s shit that I protected the trigger because no one told me the truth. It’s not my responsibility to find out for myself because why would I? If what I got painted was a false accusation. I feel a bit self-righteous about how bothered I am. I also feel guilty about how I actually dealt with the situation but I’d rather protect myself than to protect someone else’s entitlement.
Obviously I need to find a way to cope because the real world isn’t going to cater to my traumatic feelings and the triggers that be. I need to learn the difference between what’s appropriate to handle and what is not. There’s a level of assertiveness that I need to teach myself. At least this time, even if it’s shit, I knew to protect myself over the unnecessary. Self-protection is not something I’m familiar with but it’s something I’m learning.
Triggers are going to be hard to avoid and I’m gonna hate myself for how sensitive I can be to them but it’s better than building on the damage I’m trying to repair. It’ll be a maze of obstacles but you know, if this life is meant to be lived long, and I believe in myself as I should… I can come out of this on top. Right now, I’m not so sure but let’s give it a bit of time.